Please help my ielts essay

Question

Topic: In many workplaces, online communication is now more common than face-to-face meetings. Do the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages?In contemporary society, with the help of the modernization and the industrialization, more and more advanced technologies appear, which enhances human's living standards, thus, leading to the raise of occurrence of telecommunication in offices. This phenomenon triggers both advantages and disadvantages.When the issue is taken to consideration, there is a cluster of merits in communicating online. To begin with, this appearance creates residents sense of convenience in many aspects. For example, staffs could continue their business or workshops at home due to bad weather conditions such as thunderstorms, rains and snowcapped roads. Furthermore, it not only builds more comfortable atmosphere at home than workplaces which contains pressures and formal air, but also avoid traffic congestions in peak hours. In addition, this action help citizens ensure their health positively from coronavirus pandemic currently.On the other hand, telecommunication causes demerits for workers. Firstly, telecommunicating may symbolize for impoliteness of laborers to their customers, provoking to economic degradation since uncooperative contracts. Secondly, this form of communication via networks may not suitable for workers in remote places where electricity cannot reach. Vietnamese villages in mountainous areas are mentioned in this case. Ultimately, old generation dedicating for their companies a long time would have more technical problems than young when using online communication, therefore, they may feel unconnected in their workplaces.In conclusion, telecommunication has both sides, hence, human should use it properly to increase its benefits.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Dear Pudding;

I am sorry, but you will not get a good score for this essay.

First, it did not meet the minimum word count of 250.

Second, you are trying to use vocabulary words whose usage you do not understand, in an attempt to impress the examiner. This is a very common mistake (perhaps the most common one) for essay writers, and it is the reason for low scores. Essays must have clear and natural language that is understandable.

I have highlighted the unnatural or wrongly-used words, phrases or even sentences. In most cases, I can infer what you mean, but it is sometimes quite opaque.

Also, you never answered the essay prompt: Do the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages?

This question is asking for your opinion on the subject. To have a good score, you must give a clear answer in your thesis statement in the opening paragraph. You must also repeat this (paraphrased) in the conclusion.

The sentence "This has both advantages and disadvantages." tells the reader nothing. It is a vacuous statement. Everything from hybrid cars to tree farms to plastic bags has both advantages and disadvantages. Every sentence must have meaningful content.

I strongly recommend that you write this essay from scratch, using only the vocabulary words that you are 100% sure of.

In contemporary society, with the help of the modernization and the industrialization, more and more advanced technologies appear, which enhances human's living standards, thus, leading to the raise of occurrence of telecommunication in offices. (I have no idea what this means. It is not a background statement for the topic. Offices had telephones more than 50 years ago.) This phenomenon triggers both advantages and disadvantages. (See my comments above. This statement tells the reader nothing at all.)

When the issue (there is no issue or problem, is there?) is taken to consideration, there is a cluster of merits in communicating online. To begin with, this appearance creates residents sense of convenience in many aspects. For example, staffs could continue their business or workshops at home due to bad weather conditions such as thunderstorms, rains and snowcapped roads. Furthermore, it not only builds more comfortable atmosphere at home than workplaces which contains pressures and formal air, but also avoid traffic congestions in peak hours. In addition, this action help citizens ensure their health positively from coronavirus pandemic currently.

On the other hand, telecommunication causes demerits for workers. Firstly, telecommunicating may symbolize for impoliteness of laborers to their customers, provoking to economic degradation since uncooperative contracts. Secondly, this form of communication via networks may not suitable for workers in remote places where electricity cannot reach. Vietnamese villages in mountainous areas are mentioned in this case. Ultimately, old generation dedicating for their companies a long time would have more technical problems than young when using online communication, therefore, they may feel unconnected in their workplaces.

In conclusion, telecommunication has both sides, hence, human should use it properly to increase its benefits.

Please help my ielts essay

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