Please help mecorrect my essay. Thank you so much

Question

IELTS Writing Task 2 (9/9/2017): Anybody can use a mobile phone to answer the work and personal calls at any time or 7 days a week. Does this development have more positive or negative effects on both individually and society?

The technology boom enables human beings in many aspects in which they can contact with whoever they want whenever they need. I would admit this progress has changed the way of our communication a lot but it is my belief that the development has brought about, on the whole, many drawbacks to both each citizen and the whole community.

A very first detrimental impact of possessing a portable device like cell phone is that users can be called on their private time, which is undoubtedly affect their life as well as their relationships with other people. Another threatening possibility is the disturbance of unexpected phone calls from anonymous people, especially when receivers are really busy but cannot reject them. An excellent example would be my father, a salesman of a real estate agency, who have to reluctantly answer his clients on his holiday or even those who he has no business with and just call to ask him about irrelevant things.

On the other hand, a smartphone of course helps us communicate swiftly by which it does not take long time to deliver things and get reply instantly, which traditional ways of communicating like post mails cannot compete with. An additional merit of utilizing a modern device to contact with other people is its cost-effectiveness which helps everyone contact with his friends and family, and consequently enhance social communication. To illustrate this case, students studying at Hanoi while their family live at far-away province make the most of convenient smartphones to call and chat with other members of their family, which somehow boost traditional social values. Unfortunately, with the over-boomed technological advancement, people seem to focus on other functions of their cell phone, such as games or social networking services rather than the basic communicating purpose, which cause mobile phone a hindrance of strengthening relationship.

To put it briefly, people cannot discredit many advantages of using modern devices although I still determinedly believe that, on the whole, such change has certainly exacerbated life of both society and each its single member.

(381 words)

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

In general, your writing style is too verbose and your sentences are too long. You add too many unnatural phrases and words into your sentences. This makes them very difficult to understand.

"human beings" is an unnatural substitution for "people."

Nam ChauThe technology boom enables human beings in many aspects in which they can contact with whoever they want whenever they need.

That is a very unnatural sentence.

The technology boom has given us mobile communication systems which allows people to contact anyone, anywhere and at any time. ~~enables human beings in many aspects in which they can contact with whoever they want whenever they need.~~

I would admit this progress has changed the way of our communication a lot but it is my belief that the development has brought about, on the whole, many drawbacks to both each citizen and the whole community. (Our ways of communicating have changed dramatically, but, I believe, have had more adverse than beneficial effects on our lives. )

A very first detrimental impact of possessing a portable device like (missing word) cell phone is that users can be called on their private time, which is undoubtedly affect their life as well as their relationships with other people.

Another threatening possibility is the disturbance of unexpected phone calls from anonymous people, especially when receivers are really busy but cannot reject them. An excellent example would be my father, a salesman of a real estate agency, who have to reluctantly answer his clients on his holiday or even those who he has no business with and just call to ask him about irrelevant things.

On the other hand, a smartphone of course helps us communicate swiftly by which it does not take long time to deliver things and get reply instantly, which traditional ways of communicating like post mails cannot compete with. An additional merit of utilizing a modern device to contact with other people is its cost-effectiveness which helps everyone contact with his friends and family, and consequently enhance social communication. To illustrate this case, students studying at Hanoi while their family live at (missing word) far-away province make the most of convenient smartphones to call and chat with other members of their family, which somehow boost traditional social values. Unfortunately, with the over-boomed technological advancement, people seem to focus on other functions of their cell phone, such as games or social networking services rather than the basic communicating purpose, which cause (missing word) mobile phone a hindrance of strengthening relationship.

To put it briefly, people cannot discredit many advantages of using modern devices although I still determinedly believe that, on the whole, such change has certainly exacerbated life of both society and each its single member.

Please help mecorrect my essay. Thank you so much

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