Please help me with this. Thank you.

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Hi teachers. Please help me with this. Does it need corrections?

Broken by the break-up, she sat down crying. She grabbed the vodka bottle and closed her eyes to alleviate the pain as she took a swig from it.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

This is okay except for the first word. It should be "Broken up by the break-up, she sat..."

Anonymous · Answer

Hi teachers. Please help me with this. Does it need corrections?

Broken by the break-up, she sat down crying. She grabbed the vodka bottle and closed her eyes to alleviate the pain as she took a swig from it.

Nel0506 · Answer

Nice vocabulary! I don't see problems.

- "Broken" is similar to the word "break" in "break up," and with "by " the sentence uses alliteration nicely, especially with "grabbed" and "bottle" later on.

- Using "up" near the word "down" is interesting, too.

You could experiment and play with the image and sounds in other ways as well. For example, instead of just "she sat down crying," you could write something like:

"Shaken by the break up, she eased herself slowly down into the chair, crying." (She is in pain you say...)

This way, the beginning lead-in has sound repetition, but they are softer sounds than BR and K. And the image more resembles someone in pain.

Later she still GRaBs the Bottle but the GR and B and D sounds create an abrupt change and more of a shock.

Whatever..

Nice writing! You have a feel for the sounds. Post to the story section some day!

Please help me with this. Thank you.

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