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Pleasecorrectme Posted 18 years ago
Essay & Composition Writing
Please help me with the repetition! ( Essay ) - Tricked
Please help me with the repetition! I can't think of anything to replace it. I need your guidence! How can i make the ants part more interesting, more exciting? What ending would sound more better? Please comment and correct me ! Thank you so much ! I am really grateful!
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Tricked
“Julie! Stop your work and come here right now!” Mother tapped her foot impatiently. “Wait a minute!” As usual, I was watching ‘The Ant Hunter’ on the television every Sundays.
“It’s ending soon!” Pleading, I turned to take a short peek at my mother’s expression. She looked horrible! Her head was flaming with fire and her eyes were popping out. She shot me her deadly stare. Immediately, I sprang out of my comfortable Sofa and waved Good-bye to my show.
"Do you need an invitation?" Before i could defend myself, mother handed me an enormous bag of groceries. " Take this to the kitchen, this room needs tidying!" Whining, i dragged my heavy feet to the kitchen.
That bag was heavy! It felt as if i was carrying huge boulders. My legs wobbled and melted. All fruits and vegetables rolled out of the bag. "Opps!" I swung my body around, spying on Mother. She was busy vacuuming the floor. I shot to the ground and started grabbing the oranges. They were bouncing all over the floor! Then, I saw something. I crawled nearer to have a closer look.
There were two ants, a red one and a black one. I crept closer. The ants were fighting! I kneeled down curiously to see what happen next.
The red one circled the black one, eyeing for a chance to attack. The black ant twitched its feelers virgorously. The red one stopped. It retreated a few steps. Then, it dashed towards the black ant. The red ant caught hold of the black ant. It wrapped its feet around the black ant. It looked as if the red ant was winning the war! Suddenly, the black ant broke free. It was no weakling! It was his turn to strike back.
The black ant circled the red ant with great speed, trying to confuse the red ant. The red ant stood like a statue, thinking of strategies. Then, the black ant aimed its deadly teeth and darted towards the red one. They were little warriors, fighting with their lives. The red ant was stabbed by the teeth. It was injured! The red ant decided to pretend death. It flattened itself and lay absolutely still. The black ant advanced towards the red ant. Did he win? The black ant was not sure. The red ant took his chance. It sank its teeth into the black ant, piercing through the tiny black armour. It was a trick! The black ant cringed in pain. The ruthless red knight was not satisfied. It plucked the black ant's leg out one by one, torturing it. As soon as the sixth leg was pulled out, the black ant died.
"Julie! What are you doing!" I swirled around. It was Mother! " I just was looking at ants," I said, pointing to the red ant. Mother bent down to have a look. " Ants!" she smacked the red ant, squashing it. "What are you looking at? Go pick up the things you've dropped!" I was stunned.
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Tricked
“Julie! Stop your work and come here right now!” Mother tapped her foot impatiently. “Wait a minute!” As usual, I was watching ‘The Ant Hunter’ on the television every Sundays.
“It’s ending soon!” Pleading, I turned to take a short peek at my mother’s expression. She looked horrible! Her head was flaming with fire and her eyes were popping out. She shot me her deadly stare. Immediately, I sprang out of my comfortable Sofa and waved Good-bye to my show.
"Do you need an invitation?" Before i could defend myself, mother handed me an enormous bag of groceries. " Take this to the kitchen, this room needs tidying!" Whining, i dragged my heavy feet to the kitchen.
That bag was heavy! It felt as if i was carrying huge boulders. My legs wobbled and melted. All fruits and vegetables rolled out of the bag. "Opps!" I swung my body around, spying on Mother. She was busy vacuuming the floor. I shot to the ground and started grabbing the oranges. They were bouncing all over the floor! Then, I saw something. I crawled nearer to have a closer look.
There were two ants, a red one and a black one. I crept closer. The ants were fighting! I kneeled down curiously to see what happen next.
The red one circled the black one, eyeing for a chance to attack. The black ant twitched its feelers virgorously. The red one stopped. It retreated a few steps. Then, it dashed towards the black ant. The red ant caught hold of the black ant. It wrapped its feet around the black ant. It looked as if the red ant was winning the war! Suddenly, the black ant broke free. It was no weakling! It was his turn to strike back.
The black ant circled the red ant with great speed, trying to confuse the red ant. The red ant stood like a statue, thinking of strategies. Then, the black ant aimed its deadly teeth and darted towards the red one. They were little warriors, fighting with their lives. The red ant was stabbed by the teeth. It was injured! The red ant decided to pretend death. It flattened itself and lay absolutely still. The black ant advanced towards the red ant. Did he win? The black ant was not sure. The red ant took his chance. It sank its teeth into the black ant, piercing through the tiny black armour. It was a trick! The black ant cringed in pain. The ruthless red knight was not satisfied. It plucked the black ant's leg out one by one, torturing it. As soon as the sixth leg was pulled out, the black ant died.
"Julie! What are you doing!" I swirled around. It was Mother! " I just was looking at ants," I said, pointing to the red ant. Mother bent down to have a look. " Ants!" she smacked the red ant, squashing it. "What are you looking at? Go pick up the things you've dropped!" I was stunned.
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Top answer
Julie is watching a TV show about ants. How does that compare with the live ant fight? Talk a little more about the show, so it can be used to "foreshadow" what will happen, or at the very least, it can serve as a comparison.
- Julie is watching a TV show about ants.
- How does that compare with the live ant fight?
- Talk a little more about the show, so it can be used to "foreshadow" what will happen, or at the very least, it can serve as a comparison.
- Keep mom's nagging to a minimum since this is not the focus of the story.
- I also suggest the following changes to the ending: "Julie!
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7 Answers
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Julie is watching a TV show about ants. How does that compare with the live ant fight? Talk a little more about the show, so it can be used to "foreshadow" what will happen, or at the very least, it can serve as a comparison.
Keep mom's nagging to a minimum since this is not the focus of the story.
I also suggest the following changes to the ending:
"Julie! Why are
Keep mom's nagging to a minimum since this is not the focus of the story.
I also suggest the following changes to the ending:
"Julie! Why are
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It definitely sound so much nicer with that wonderful ending! Thank you so much! I will take note of that! I need some guidance on this, i hope you can help me with it:
How do i end other essay with a bang? I can't think of a good ending with other essay.
How do i end other essay with a bang? I can't think of a good ending with other essay.
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Anonymous
How do i end other essay with a bang? I can't think of a good ending with other essay.
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Thank you so much!
But, I'm still a little confuse on how to end the essay with a bang. How can the ending be related to the main point? How can i make a strong impact on the reader, and be closely related to the main point? I would love to read a strong ending if i am the reader! I would love to write one too! What about starting the story? How can i make an interesting opening? And a
But, I'm still a little confuse on how to end the essay with a bang. How can the ending be related to the main point? How can i make a strong impact on the reader, and be closely related to the main point? I would love to read a strong ending if i am the reader! I would love to write one too! What about starting the story? How can i make an interesting opening? And a
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As you read more short stories, you'll find more satisfying ways to end your own. Here're a few possibilities:
1. Offer a solution to the conflict in your story, and if possible, add a little something about what we can learn from it. For example, if the bigger ant kills the smaller ant, Julie will have to think about whether something similar happens even in her own life.
2. So
1. Offer a solution to the conflict in your story, and if possible, add a little something about what we can learn from it. For example, if the bigger ant kills the smaller ant, Julie will have to think about whether something similar happens even in her own life.
2. So
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Julie's comments are so great that I hestitate to even say this, but the very first sentence was odd - stop your work - but you're watching television. That's hardly work. Perhaps "Stop what you're doing - I need you" or something like that?
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