Please help me with my writing task 1 (2)

Question

The line graph compares the percentage of difference in salary between genders in Japan, US, France, UK and Australia from 1978 to 2008.
Overall, the percentage of difference in income was less than half during the period shown. The gaps in salary between men and women in these nations were gradually filled but Australia. Of all five nations, Japan had the most difference in income between genders between 1978 and 2008.
In detail, Japan was the only one that the percentage of distinction in income between men and women was higher than 40% each year, but it fell dramatically from 49% to 41%. The US was in second place, which ranged from 33% to 27%. The percentage of difference in income between genders in the UK did not go outside the range of 29-26 % throughout the thirty years. Surprisingly, the decrease in the percentage of difference in income in France was parallel with ones in the UK. Australia had the lowest difference in income between men and women in the initial twenty-one years but suddenly surpassed France to reach its highest level of 25% at the end of the period.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

You have too much repetition of the same phrases. Such repetition is completely unnecessary and it distracts the reader.

When you rank order items by position, generally you put the best or most favorable as first, and the worst goes last.So when you say that the US in second place, after Japan, you are implying that Japan is better than the US, and the larger the difference, the better it is. Do you believe that it is better for women to earn less than men, and the larger the difference, the better the situation? Your use of the verb "surpass" ( to get better than), also reflects this opinion.

The line graph compares the ~~percentage of~~ difference in ~~salary~~ earnings between men and women ~~genders~~ in Japan, US, France, UK and Australia from 1978 to 2008. The difference is measured in percentages.

Overall, the ~~percentage of~~ difference in income was less than 50% ~~half~~ during the period shown. The gaps ~~in salary between men and women~~ in all these nations were gradually reduced except for ~~filled~~ but Australia. Of all five nations, Japan consistently had the largest gap. ~~most difference in income between genders between 1978 and 2008.~~You already gave this information about "men and women", and the time period in the opening paragraph.. Avoid repeating the same phrases.

In detail, Japan was the only one ~~that the percentage of distinction in~~ in which the income gap exceeded ~~between men and women was higher than~~ 40% each year, but it fell dramatically(A difference of 8% over thirty years is not "dramatic". A difference of 25% over 10 years would be. ) from 49% to 41%. The US was in second place, which ranged from 33% to 27%. ~~The percentage of difference in income between genders~~ In the UK, it did not go outside the range of 29-26 % throughout the thirty years. ~~Surprisingly~~, (That is an opinion. "Surprise" is a human emotion. ) The decrease ~~in the percentage of difference in income~~ in France was parallel with that of~~ones in~~ the UK. Australia had the lowest difference in income between men and women in the initial twenty-one years but ~~suddenly~~ surpassed France in 1998 to reach its highest level of 25% at the end of the period.

Sample essay:

Note that I put the nations into groups. Combining and grouping will get you a higher band score.

The line graph plots the income gap between women and men of five different nations, Japan, France, the UK, the US and Australia., from 1978 to 2008. The measure is the percentage difference in earnings.

Overall, the gender inequality was consistently the greatest in Japan. The gaps shrank over the period for all nations, the exception being in Australia over the final ten years. The curves for US and the UK were very similar.

In detail, Japan had the greatest difference between the income of men and women, starting out at nearly 50% and declining steadily to just over 40%. The US and UK had values about 20% less than that of Japan. Although they started out with a 4% difference between them, the US at 33% and the UK at 29%, they ended up at nearly the same level, around 27%. Like Japan, the values steadily went down, closing the gap. France and Australia had least gender inequality, and nearly identical curves for the first twenty years. Both were under 20% at the start, with Australia marginally better than France by about 2 percentage points. However, The gap in Australia increased over the final ten years from 15% to 23%, counter to the pattern in all the other countries.

Please help me with my writing task 1 (2)

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