Please help me with my task 2 writing

Task 2: Some people store personal and private information online, including banking, contacts and addresses. Is it a positive or negative trend?

HERE'S MY WRITING:

With the advance of technology, more and more people are keeping their personal and private information online. Although they are beneficial to some extent, I am of the belief that this is a negative habit to keep as their personal data might not be safe.

On the one hand, there are some advantages when using smart devices to store information. One of the reasons is that people don’t need to memorize them anymore. In the busy life of work and deadlines, they may have more important things to remember and do. Therefore, they will need their smartphone or laptop to retain those necessary data in order to use them whenever they are required. Take banking accounts as an example. There is a long line of numbers which is unable to be learnt by heart with accuracy. From that, they will be more productive at school or work.

On the other hand, their personal details kept on the internet can be threatened by virtual thiefs. Some online services don’t have a system that is inefficient . Therefore, customer details are leaked and hackers can easily use those security holes to get information and blackmail users. For instance, there was a website that contained more than 10000 photos of citizens’ ID cards in Vietnam. And those pictures could be used for a large variety of bad purposes. And their family could be in danger as well if they keep phone numbers or addresses of their beloved one.

In brief, retaining personal information on the internet can be convenient as we don’t need to remember those but that may cause data loss or leakage. In my opinion, companies should spend more money to improve their online security system so that customers could be safe to use their services.