Please help me with my opinion essay!

I am preparing for the IELTS exam. Hix it is very difficult for me. But I'll try.

I always make loads of errors so you guys please correct them.

If you think there are points that need paraphrase so that they sound more natural, thank you so much.

Thank you for help!

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Here is the topic:

In many families nowadays, both parents work and pay people to look after their children. Some people believe this is not good for families.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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And this is my writing:

In contemporary scenario, nuclear families often have both parents working and other people hired to take care of children. Some people suppose that it may weaken family relationships. I tend to be in favour of this opinion as well because the two following reasons.

Initially, having other people looking after children may cause them mental illness. For instance, the children need not only watching and feeding but also nurturing. This means the way parents bring up children is totally different from others, who may just feed them then leave them alone watching TV all day until their parents come home. The children lacking their parents care and love for a long time may surf from psychological problems such as diffidence, self-doubt, or even depression.

Additionally, family relationships may be threaten breaking up when other people take care of their family. For example, when parents are busy working too much, they often leave the household chores, even their children to others. After work, it may be too late at night when they come home. They hardly have a chance to see whether their kids are okay or not, or even their spouse as well. Time flies and maybe one day they realize that members of their family do not care about each other anymore. They do not talk much, do not eat together and gradually they drift apart.

In conclusion, if parents have too much work to accomplish, they can ask people help them with their housework, even sometimes parenting. However, they should do the parenting themselves to make sure their children are brought up normally and healthily, and maintain the family relationships as well.