Please help me with my IELTS writing task 1 :

Question

The pie chart illustrates four main reasons why agricultural land becomes less productive and the table gives information about how these cause affected North America, Europe and Oceania during the 1990s. Overall, the main cause of worldwide land degradation was over-grazing and during the 1990s, Europe had the highest percentage of degraded land. According to the pie chart,35% was the proportion of land which was degraded by over-grazing in the world. Deforestation was the second reason why agricultural land becomes less productive, with 25% in the percentage of degraded land affected by it. 28% and 7% was the figure for over-cultivation and the other, respectively. According to the table graph, Europe, with the highest proportion of land degraded, at 23%, suffered from deforestation (9,8%), over-cultivation (7,7%) and over- grazing (5,5%). Meanwhile, the figure for Oceania was also high at at 13%. This mainly due to over-grazing (11,3%) and deforestation and over-cultivation negative affected a bit, at 1,7% and 0%, respectively. At the same time, the proportion of degraded land in North America was quite low, at 5%. 0,2% , 3,3% and 1,5% were the figure for land degraded by deforestation, over-cultivation and over-grazing, respectively.

WRITE DESCRIPTION HERE

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

First of all, you will get a poor score for writing one paragraph. There should be three paragraphs.

Paragraph 1: Describe the figure or figures. Do not describe the data in the figures. What subject is being shown? What is the format (graph, chart, table, map, or diagram)? What is the time scale, period, or dates? What are the units of measurement? How many categories are there? What are the categories?
Paragraph 2: Report two or three salient (most significant) findings that you observe in the data presented. Only write about the information. Don't write superfluous things like: "it is clear that..", "One can see from the chart", or "One glance shows that".
Paragraph 3: Report significant details, comparisons. Use mathematical terms. Do simple arithmetic rather than only writing down the literal numbers. e.g. The total land degraded in Europe was nearly five times as much as in North America (23% versus 5%), and nearly twice as much as in Oceania (23% versus 13%).

Do not write any interpretations or draw conclusions.
Use an objective, disinterested writing style and vocabulary.
Do not use sensational, exaggerated adjectives or adverbs.
Do not use anthropomorphic verbs (see, experience, witness.)
Avoid the word "figure" to refer to data values. In a scientific article a "figure" refers to an illustration included in the text. "Figure" meaning a data value is usually restricted to business reporting.

I have highlighted the problem areas.

The pie chart illustrates four main reasons why agricultural land becomes less productive and the table gives information about how these cause affected North America, Europe and Oceania during the 1990s. Overall, the main cause of worldwide land degradation was over-grazing and during the 1990s, Europe had the highest percentage of degraded land. According to the pie chart,35% was the proportion of land which was degraded by over-grazing in the world. Deforestation was the second reason why agricultural land becomes less productive, with 25% in the percentage of degraded land affected by it. 28% and 7% was the figure for over-cultivation and the other, respectively. According to the table graph, Europe, with the highest proportion of land degraded, at 23%, suffered from deforestation (9,8%), over-cultivation (7,7%) and over- grazing (5,5%). Meanwhile, the figure for Oceania was also high at at 13%. This mainly due to over-grazing (11,3%) and deforestation and over-cultivation negative affected a bit, at 1,7% and 0%, respectively. At the same time, the proportion of degraded land in North America was quite low, at 5%. 0,2% , 3,3% and 1,5% were the figure for land degraded by deforestation, over-cultivation and over-grazing, respectively.

WRITE DESCRIPTION HERE

Please help me with my IELTS writing task 1 :

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