Please help me with my IELTS task 2 !!!

Question

Topic:  Do you agree that modern technology has given us more leisure time than before?My essay:Living in an era of technological revolution, people have become increasingly interested in discovering the correlation between technological development and leisure time. From my point of view, I do not agree that modern technology has provided us with more free time than the previous generation.Technology is ubiquitous and more so every day. Thanks to modern technology, life has become faster, easier and more convenient. For instance, Google saves our time searching for information as well as Facebook saves our time on social interactions. Similarly, Amazon saves our time on delivering products so we can have a product in our hands with just a few clicks. Obviously, technology can do extraordinary things for time-saving and take care of problems so that we would have one less chore to consider.However, people's leisure lives have in fact contracted because of the ubiquity of modern technological tools, such as cell phones and laptops with internet access make people access to their superiors wherever they go. Meanwhile, people are more engaged in everyday processes than ever before. Moreover, while modern technology makes us have more free time, it also makes the pace of life much quicker, which drives us to work harder. Because of the competition and fears of job loss, people are giving up their leisure lives for educational opportunities. It seems that the time budget is burdened because more time should be invested in education to keep up with the speed of technology development. Using technology to improve efficiency and save time leads to high productively, people would rather do more job than do more relaxation.In conclusion, although technology has saved us time on dozens of tasks, I cannot deny the fact that humans seem busier than ever. __Thank you for your help!

Poster · Accepted Answer

Living in an era of technological revolution, people have become increasingly interested [Have they? Is there any real evidence for this? ] in discovering the correlation between technological development and leisure time. From my point of view, [superfluous: "agree" is quite sufficient.] I do not agree that modern technology has provided us with more free time than the previous generation.

The question uses the term "modern technology" without defining what period is meant by "modern". It would be quite in order to begin your essay by making some assumptions about the parameters, and explicitly stating them. Across the time span of our species, some 300 000 years, "modern" technology might simply refer to the advent of agriculture. Archeologists generally believe that nomadic hunter-gatherers had more leisure time than all except the rich elite today. Check out the Sentinelese who seem to be fit and healthy without the artifices of civilization.

Technology is [seems*] ubiquitous and more so every day. Thanks to modern technology, [for many people*] life has become faster, easier and more convenient. For instance, Google saves our time searching for information ~~as well as~~ and Facebook saves our time on social interactions. Similarly, Amazon saves [may* save] our time on delivering products so we can have a product in our hands with just a few clicks. [I have never used Amazon, so this is an overstatement. Also, I understand Amazon has difficulties making deliveries to Waziristan.] Obviously, [NO, it is not obvious to me: it is your job to substantiate your arguments.] technology can do extraordinary things for time-saving and take care of problems so that we ~~would~~ have one less chore to consider. [worry about?]

*Be wary of over-generalizing as it will disbar the score for Task Response from Band 8: there are still nomadic goat-herders in the Hindu Kush who do not have mobile phones, or any of the paraphernalia of modern city living. Learn to write a little more cautiously.

However, many* people's leisure lives [leisure time] have in fact contracted because of the ubiquity of modern technological tools, such as cell phones and laptops with internet access [missing relative pronoun] make [give/provide/allow] people access to their superiors wherever they go. Meanwhile, people are more engaged in everyday processes [What do you mean by "everyday processes"? Work, commuting, cleaning? ] than ever before. Moreover, while modern technology makes us have [allows us to have/provides] more free time, it also makes the pace of life much quicker, which drives us to work harder. [Maybe a concrete example here. ] Because of the competition and fears of job loss, people [Everyone? Or just some people? ] are giving up their leisure lives for educational opportunities. It seems that the time budget is burdened [An odd phrase: that there is never enough time available] because more time should be invested in education to keep up with the speed of technology [There is an adjective available: use it.] development. Using technology to improve efficiency and save time leads to high productively [Noun needed], some people would rather do more job than do more relaxation.

In conclusion, although technology has saved us time on dozens of tasks, I cannot deny the fact that [long-winded] humans often* seem busier than ever. [The question was about leisure time, not whether we are busier. Are you counting sleeping time, doing domestic chores, shopping for food, commuting, and personal maintenance as leisure time or not? ]

Be wary of over-using linking adverbs such as "meanwhile" at the start of the sentence. British Council specifically warn against this:

"Don’t over-use linking words or phrases or use inappropriately – this could become confusing or irritating for the reader. Also don’t always use linking words at the beginning of sentences – show more variety."

https://takeielts.britishcouncil.org/sites/default/files/IELTS%20Writing-%20Coherence%20&%20Cohesion.pdf

Again, it might help if you stated your criteria. For example, there are people who enjoy their "work", such as artists, and professional sportsmen and women. What exactly counts as leisure time? Are you assuming that leisure time is per se good, and all else is bad? The examiner is interested how you arrived at your view, and the clear, progressive explanations of the logic you provide. One quarter of your score is for Cohesion and Coherence, with the benchmark for Band 7 stating:
"logically organizes information and ideas; there is clear progression throughout; uses a range of cohesive devices appropriately although there may be some under-/over-use; presents a clear central topic within
each paragraph".
In my view, the best time-saving inventions of the last 150 years are the telephone, and the washing-machine! Life before the internet was in some ways more personal and sociable.

Please help me with my IELTS task 2 !!!

Top answer

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

Related Questions