Please help me with my IELTS task 2 !!!

Question

Topic: Millions of dollars are spent on space research every year. Some people argue the money should be spent on improving living standards on Earth. Do you agree or disagree?My essay: Throughout the history of mankind, more and more money is poured into space science. While I am of the opinion that the needs of humanity should always come first, I still believe that the value of space research is worth the cost.From my point of view, humanity is always the number one priority as well as keeping the human race alive is a necessity. Alternatively, space exploration is no more than a desire. If we put our desires before our needs, then everyone loses out on a better standard of living. As an illustration, thousands of people in Africa are starving in default of basic necessities such as food and even drinkable water. Even more, a million deaths are caused by cancer, diseases and poor healthcare quality. Money, therefore, should be spent on  feeding the starving millions around the globe, helping the locals climb higher in social ladder and generally making life down here better before looking up into the heavens.On the other hand, we cannot deny the fact that space science could bring real benefits to humanity in long-term run. We all know that life on Earth doesn’t last forever and scientist always in the quest for a new homeland suitable for the people’ resettlement in the future. Moreover, humans are also struggling with the natural resource scarcity such as rare metals and oil along with the energy shortage, which might be found outside the “Known World”. For this reason, space exploration could be the viable solution for overpopulation and natural resources crisis.In inclusion, although the mission to improve living standard is the first priority, it is an undeniable fact that space science is the matter of vital importance.__Thank for your help &lt;3

Poster · Accepted Answer

Throughout the history of mankind, more and more money is poured into space science.[Recorded history goes back at least five thousand years: did you mean this? Yes, people were looking at the stars, and building places such as Angkor Wat, but serious space exploration did not begin until after the first orbital flights about seventy years ago.] While I am of the opinion that the needs of humanity should always come first, I still believe that the value of space research is worth the cost. [If the needs of humanity come first, then why bother with anything else?]

From my point of view, humanity is always the number one priority [You have already said this in the previous sentence.] as well as keeping the human race alive is a necessity. Alternatively[Poor word choice: in contrast] space exploration is no more than a desire [Optional?]. If we put our desires before our needs, then everyone loses out on a better standard of living. [Do we not desire a better standard of living? It is simply a matter of priorities and disposable income, discretionary spending, and cost/benefit analysis.] As an illustration, thousands of people in Africa are starving in default of [for want of/ for lack of] basic necessities such as food and even drinkable water. Even more, [Not a normal linking phrase. Furthermore? Also?] a million deaths [Worldwide? Or are we still talking about just in Africa? Over what period of time? ] are caused by cancer, diseases and poor healthcare quality [poor quality healtcare]. Money, therefore, should be spent on feeding the starving millions around the globe, helping the locals climb higher in [wrong preposition] social ladder [improving living standards] and generally making life down here [on earth?] better [comma needed here as the next clause is something of an afterthought.] before looking up into the heavens.

On the other hand, we cannot deny the fact that [superfluous; and patently false: I could deny it. Also it is not a fact; it is mere speculation about the future.] space science could bring real benefits to humanity in long-term run. [in the long run/in the long term] We all know that life on Earth doesn’t [contractions are regarded as informal] last forever and scientist [singular countable nouns normally need an article or determiner except in set phrases. Also, where is the main verb? ] always [Scientists do nothing else? Overstating your case.] in [wrong preposition] the quest for a new homeland suitable for the people’ resettlement [the resettlement of humankind] in the future. Moreover, [If you use "also", there is no need for "moreover" too.] humans are also struggling with the natural resource scarcity [the scarcity of natural resources.] such as rare metals and oil along with the energy shortage, which might be found outside the “Known World”. For this reason, space exploration could be the [wrong article: "the" implies that there is only one viable solution, whereas "a" implies there may be more than one.] viable solution for overpopulation and natural resources crisis.

In inclusion [wrong word choice], although the mission to improve living standard [either: the standard of living (singular nouns) or: living standards (plural)] is the first priority, it is an undeniable fact [NO: it is a deniable opinion.]that space science is the matter of vital importance.

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=in+the+long+run%2Cover+the+long+term%2Cin+the+long+term%2Cover+the+longer+term%2C+in+the+longer+term&year_start=1800&year_end=2000&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t1%3B%2Cin%20the%20long%20run%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cover%20the%20long%20term%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cin%20the%20long%20term%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cover%20the%20longer%20term%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cin%20the%20longer%20term%3B%2Cc0

The human species has survived three hundred thousand years, all without space research, which can thus hardly be of "vital importance". The solution to over-population might be a "one-child" policy, not necessarily looking for Earth 2.0.

I was surprised that spin-offs from space exploration programs, such as microcircuits and velcro, were not mentioned. Also, space research has shown us the universe is much larger than we thought, and we seem to be supremely unimportant in the larger scheme of things.

Please help me with my IELTS task 2 !!!

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