Please help me to score this essay in IELTS and give me some feedback. Many thanks

Topic: In some countries, small town-centre shops are going out of business because
people tend to drive to large out-of-town stores. As a result, people without cars have
limited access to out-of-town stores, and it may result in an increase in the use of cars.
Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

In recent years, the rise of large-sized out-of-town shopping centers that directly influence
small stores in towns has been receiving a great deal of public attention. Although this
trend is not without advantages in some aspects, the downsides will outweigh these
benefits.

On the one hand, the change in shopping patterns is deemed as a positive trend. First, since
these large commercial centers are built on the outskirts of town, shoppers may find it
easier to access than those in metropolitan areas which are often congested. In fact, terrible
traffic jams in the cities are not uncommon, which discourages potential buyers as it takes
them a great deal of unnecessary time for this activity. Second, by making a purchase in
out-of-town shopping malls, buyers can reap more benefits. It is obvious that big shopping
centers with strong financial backing have the advantage of buying a variety of goods in
bulk with lower costs, thus helping people buy a wider range of items at cheaper prices
than those in brick-and-mortar stores.

On the other hand, there are great drawbacks of this development. The first one is that an
increase in the demand for using cars is inevitable as there are more people, who do not
own private vehicles, want to have access to these out-of-town malls. This results in
problems on the periphery of cities, such as increased traffics and air pollution. The next
issue is that many workers from town-centre stores will be out of work, because more and
more mom-and-pop stores in cities succumb to pressure from out-of-town malls and may
be pushed out of business. In fact, the unemployed rate in cities is likely to increase and it
has a negative impact on society as a whole.

In conclusion, the change in shopping habits can offer more values for consumers, such as
easier access and more choices with lower costs, but it also increases vehicle traffic and air
pollution on the outskirts of cities. The drawbacks of this shift will be far more significant.