Please help me to review my IELTS essay, thanks a million

Topic: Nowadays, Televised talent shows have become popular in many societies today. All these shows are a good method of finding talented people, or are they just entertainment?

Given reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience

My answer:

In many contemporary societies, televised talent shows have become very popular. Some people believe that thank to these shows, many talented people have been found out. However, other people discuss that they are just entertainment. But in my view, they have both benefits which are a good method of finding gifted people and entertainment.

There are many people who are born with a unique innate talent. But they don’t have opportunities to perform it. And these shows are the chance for people to turn their dream into reality. It is very easy for anyone who wants to get more attention from audiences and entertainment business. They can enter the competition and win. Furthermore, they also receive support from their families, their fans so as to develop a career path in the future.

Talent shows also are very popular because viewers enjoy seeing people on television. They watch and talk about them. These shows help them to relax after a hard-working week. They can also vote for their favourite performers and help someone to succeed, which make the show more interesting. And for those who join the show, It helps them to have more experiences and memories.

In term of economic, televised talent shows is the earning money machine. For example, we have a lot of shows in my country, and the judges can earn 100-150 million VND each show on average. And if someone wins a show like The Voice, they will receive the prize with 500 million VND and many things. Besides, the sponsors will receive fame thank to donate

In conclusion, I agree that talent shows are entertaining, but I think they can bring a lot of benefits, such as finding out gifted people, get high profit, helping people who want a career in the music industry