Please help me to review my baby girl application letter to a kindergarten

Question

I just drafted the application letter and would like your help to review my letter (because I am a Chinese, English is not my native language). Thanks in advance.

___________________________________________________________________________

I am a parent who is seeking an open and lively learning environment for my children in order for her to achieve a balanced development in academic, moral, physical and artistic qualities, as well as to nurture a sense of self-worth and self-confidence in her young minds. During the process of research on kindergarten in the territory, I am particularly impressed by the education philosophy, dedication of the teaching staff, facilities and excellent track record of your school. Therefore, I would like to apply on behalf of my daughter, Baby Cheung, for admission into K1 of your school.

Baby is educating in Sun Flower Day Nursery since August 2004. Sun Flower provided a loving and caring environment that helped Baby to develop her confidence, initiative, love and respect for others, as well as a clear sense of right and wrong. She likes to take a leading role during interpersonal interaction and is always willing to lend a helping hand when needed. She is doing well in English and taking a keen interest in drawing and singing. She is always a source of fun in the classroom and is well liked by teachers and classmates.

In addition to formal school education, we also provide opportunities for Cheuk Wing to develop her all round abilities since October 2003. She's taking various activities held by Hong Kong Society for the Protection of Children ( Baby Art, Happy Singing, Happy Playground, Get Ready To School). These activities helped her to build up her confidence and interpersonal skill.

Although I and my wife are having busy careers, we are committed to spend quality time with Baby everyday. We do singing, physical exercise and other games together with her. We also spend time talking and reading books to her. We tell her bedtime stories and would ask her to tell us stories in return, so as to stimulate her imagination and ability to express herself.

We sincerely hope that Baby can be admitted into your school, where she will receive appropriate guidance and yet be allowed to express her unique individuality.

Enclosed are the application form and the required documents. I am looking forward to your favourable reply.

MountainHiker · Accepted Answer

Dear Guest,

Welcome to English Forums. I will post my comments in less than 2 hours from now. I have a couple things to do first before I complete my comments. Overall, your letter looks very good. I have some very minor edits here and there.

MountainHiker

MountainHiker · Answer

Dear Guest,

Welcome to our forum. I encourage you to register with our forum, though it is not required.

I am a parent who is seeking an open and lively learning environment for my children in order for her to achieve a balanced development in academic, moral, physical and artistic qualities, as well as to nurture a sense of self-worth and self-confidence in her young minds. During the process of research on kindergarten in the territory, I am particularly impressed by the education philosophy, dedication of the teaching staff, facilities and excellent track record of your school. Therefore, I would like to apply on behalf of my daughter, Baby Cheung, for admission into K1 of your school.

Baby is educating in Sun Flower Day Nursery since August 2004. Sun Flower provided a loving and caring environment that helped Baby to develop her confidence, initiative, love and respect for others, as well as a clear sense of right and wrong. She likes to take a leading role during interpersonal interaction and is always willing to lend a helping hand when needed. She is doing well in English and taking a keen interest in drawing and singing. She is always a source of fun in the classroom and is well liked by teachers and classmates.

In addition to formal school education, we also provide opportunities for Cheuk Wing to develop her all round abilities since October 2003. She's taking various activities held by Hong Kong Society for the Protection of Children ( Baby Art, Happy Singing, Happy Playground, Get Ready To School). These activities helped her to build up her confidence and interpersonal skill.

Although I and my wife are having busy careers, we are committed to spend quality time with Baby everyday. We do singing, physical exercise and other games together with her. We also spend time talking and reading books to her. We tell her bedtime stories and would ask her to tell us stories in return, so as to stimulate her imagination and ability to express herself.

We sincerely hope that Baby can be admitted into your school, where she will receive appropriate guidance and yet be allowed to express her unique individuality.

Enclosed are the application form and the required documents. I am looking forward to your favourable reply.

For someone whose native language is not English, you write amazingly well. I am assuming that you are applying for one child? I am will make changes to your document to reflect the one-child application. If I am incorrect, please let me know.

I am a parent who is seeking an open and lively learning environment for my child in order for her to achieve a balanced development in academic, moral, physical and artistic qualities, as well as to nurture a sense of self-worth and self-confidence deleted words here. After researching kindergartens in this territory replace territory with region?, I am particularly impressed by your school's educational philosophy, dedicated teaching staff, overall facilities and excellent track record. Therefore, I would like to apply on behalf of my daughter, Baby Cheung, for admission into K1 of your school.

Since 1984, Baby has been at the Sun Flower Day Nursery[1]. Sun Flower has provided a loving and caring environment that helped Baby to develop her confidence, initiative, love and respect for others, as well as morals and values. She enjoys taking a leading role during interpersonal interaction and is always willing to lend a helping hand deleted words here. She is doing well in English and is taking a keen interest in drawing and singing. She is always a source of fun in the classroom and is well liked by teachers and classmates.

In addition to formal school education, we have also provided opportunities since October 2003 for Cheuk Wing to better develop her other natural abilities and talents. She is taking various activities from Hong Kong Society for the Protection of Children ( Baby Art, Happy Singing, Happy Playground, Get Ready To School). These activities have helped her to build up her confidence and interpersonal skill.

Although I and my wife have busy careers, we are committed to spend quality time with Baby everyday. We sing, engage in physical exercise and play other games together with her. We also spend time talking and reading books to her. We tell her bedtime stories and would ask her to tell us stories in return. We all enjoy telling each other stories and this activity also helps to stimulate her imagination and ability to express herself.[3]

We sincerely hope that Baby can be admitted to your school, where she will receive appropriate guidance and continue to develop and express her unique individuality. [4]

Enclosed are the application form and the required documents. I look forward to your favourable reply.

***

[1] I am assuming that she is still there at Sun Flower, so I have changed the wording to reflect that assumption. Also, "educating" doesn't seem write in the way you used it. I think you meant "learning"? I simply have her attending. You go on to describe her accomplishments shortly.

[2] You have her confidence, her initiative, her love and respect for others, as well as her morals and values. I want to keep the rythym or symmetry of HER something.

I found the original sentence slightly asymmetrical in that it is her confidence, her initiative, her love and respect for others, as well as a clear sense of right and wrong. It seems slightly unbalanced to me in this form. So I tried to keep the symmetry throughout.

[3] I want to convey that you do some things just for the pure enjoyment of it.

[4] I didn't want "yet be allowed" because I wanted to frame it in a positive light. Rather than the school being restrictive, Baby will recieve guidance and cotinue to grow and develop. All positive, all good.

I hope you found these comments helpful. Please write back with any questions or concerns you might have.

MountainHiker

Howard_Cheung · Answer

Thanks so much MountainHiker!

Yes, I am applying for one child. Hope I can share my good news with you shortly.

Howard Cheung

MountainHiker · Answer

Howard,

I am happy that I could help. I hope you found the comments helpful.

I just noticed an error in the third paragraph.

These activities have helped her to build up her confidence and interpersonal skills."

I changed "skill" to "skills".

In the fourth paragraph...

We tell her bedtime stories and would ask her to tell us stories in return. We all enjoy telling each other stories and this activity also helps to stimulate her imagination and ability to express herself.

I would delete the word "would".

We tell her bedtime stories and ask her to tell us stories in return. We all enjoy telling each other stories and this activity also helps to stimulate her imagination and ability to express herself.

I hope you catch these very slight errors in time.

Although English is your second language, you write amazingly well.

I hope you get good news shortly.

Best of luck.

MountainHiker

Howard_Cheung · Answer

Dear MountainHiker,

Guess what? My baby girl was admitted by one of our dream school yesterday!! I just want to say thanks to you for your GREAT help. Anyway, this is an excellent forum with excellent people (thats you

).

Thanks so much again!!

Please help me to review my baby girl application letter to a kindergarten

Top answer

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

Related Questions