Please help me to review IELTS Task 2

Question

As well as making money, businesses also have social responsibilities. Do you agree or disagree?In these days, businesses play an important role in the economy around the world. While making revenue is the top priority for each company, in my opinion, I totally agree that they also conduct their business in a socially responsible.On the one hand, the expanding efforts of companies offer some advantages for not only themselves but also society. Firstly, the government could receive more taxes which come from higher profit earned by enterprises. As a result, the authorities have ready access to the larger budget to spend in some crucial fields, including education and health care, which leads to an enhancement in the standard of living. Secondly, by earning huge profits companies have opportunities to grow their number of employees. Expanding the structures of companies creates more golden job opportunities for the local population, which contributes to reducing the percentage of crime.On the other hand, there are several strong reasons why businesses should also accept that they have social responsibilities. To begin with, the main reasons is that their activities have an influence on the environment. For example, their emissions which came from factory causes not only some environmental problems such as global warming but also some negative impact on human health. In addition, since companies have a huge amount of money, they should help people who are less fortunate. For instance, Vinamilk often provides scholarships for poor students who have high scores in school to encourage them to continue to achieve higher milestones in their study.In conclusion, although most strategies of companies concentrate on making money, I would argue that all businesses should pay attention to enhancing the quality of society.

Poster · Accepted Answer

In these days, ["These days" with no preposition implies a contrast to the previous situation: are you suggesting that businesses did not play an important role till recently? I would have thought the situation is unchanged.] businesses play an important role in the economy around the world. While making revenue [Technically, revenue is usually sales or receipts before costs are deducted: the aim of business is usually profit or maximizing shareholder value.] is the top priority for each company, in my opinion, I totally agree["Agree" is to give an opinion, so we do not need both phrases.] that they also [modal verb missing] conduct their business in a socially responsible way.

On the one hand, the expanding [expansionist? ] efforts of companies offer some advantages for not only themselves but also society as a whole. Firstly, the government could receive more taxes which come from higher profits earned by enterprises. As a result, the authorities have ready access to the [wrong article] larger budget to spend in some crucial fields, including education and health care, which leads to an enhancement in the standard of living [Not sure I accept the logic here: would it not be more direct for the companies to increase wages? ]. Secondly, by earning huge profits companies have opportunities to grow their number of employees [Seems unlikely: why would a company spend excess profits on unnecessary expansion of the workforce? ]. Expanding the structures of companies creates more golden [Why are they "golden"? It is more likely that any new jobs would be poorly paid, low-level tasks.] job opportunities for the local population, which contributes to reducing the percentage of crime [A giant leap of logic and consequence here: why does crime necessarily go down when new jobs are created? ].

True, an expanding economy does tend to increase the tax take of government in value, but how government applies the extra funding is open to question: they could pay off old debt, or spend it all on armaments. As for individual companies, "huge profits" does not necessarily equate to a cash surplus: it depends on the payback period from capital investments.

Secondly, "making money" is a premise of the question: it is not something you need to argue or discuss. It is an assumption. In a full academic essay questioning the implicit assumptions is often something that needs doing. For IELTS purposes, however,because the essay is so short, it may not be wise to question the assumptions. So it might be a good idea to skip your second paragraph entirely: macro-economics is full of pitfalls and hard to write about. Instead expand on your reasons for agreeing.

On the other hand, there are several strong reasons why businesses should also accept that they have social responsibilities. To begin with, the main reasons is [singular or plural?] that their activities have an influence on the environment. For example, their [generalize sans determiner] emissions which came [tense?] from factory [singular/plural?] causes not only some environmental problems such as global warming but also has some negative impact [singular/plural?] on human health. In addition, since companies have a huge amount of money [In my experience, they have a huge amount of debt, and are often cash-poor unless well capitalized.], they should help people who are less fortunate [Why should they? What is in it for them? Why would their owners or shareholder wish to do this? Please explain. ]. For instance, Vinamilk often provides scholarships for poor students who have high scores in school to encourage them to continue to achieve higher milestones in their study. [This might be just a marketing and publicity move designed to improve the company image: that is, it is self-interest at play, not altruism.]

In conclusion, although most strategies of companies concentrate on making money, I would argue that all businesses should pay attention to enhancing the quality of society.

I am not convinced by your arguments. It is vital that the rationale behind your assertions is fully explained. You could expand on the environment and pollution aspect. Over-fishing and declining fish stocks are an easy example: the tragedy of the commons. I would argue that businesses discharge any other social responsibilities by paying taxes, which are in turn used by government for social purposes, so there is no need for any other charitable donations. That said, businesses do have a social responsibility to comply with employment laws and treat their staff fairly.

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