please help me to correct this mail. Thnaks a ton.

Question

I am writing to express my interest in the audit intern position that is currently available with your company in the...office. As a final-year student at the...with a major in accounting and a minor in auditing, I have maintained a 7.47 GPA and will be eligible to sit for the CFAB in December 2017. I feel that I possess the theoretical knowledge and technical skills to qualify as a competitive candidate.

During the summer, I participated in some workshops on auditing, where I was able to meet some professional accountants and auditors, such as...– General Secretary of ...and ...- ICAEW’s Chief Representative in...and learn about this area from them. I also took away many great tips about networking and communication skills that I am now using in my daily life. By researching information about...., I really enjoyed learning more about the services, culture, and people here.

I also worked at the.... in my university as a Finance team leader. I helped define the role of each member, and supported members in contacting, negotiating and signing agreements with sponsors. Besides, I am a member of the Executive Committee of the ... in university. I gained leadership skills, and knowledge about professional that further developed my career. My experience as both leader and member of the executive committee are some of what I can offer to the internship position.

I have attached my CV for your review as well. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to your reply.

Yours faithfully,
...

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

I am writing to express my interest in the ~~audit~~ intern position for an auditor that is currently available in your company in the... office. As a final-year student at Kingston University (example) with a major in accounting and a minor in auditing, I have maintained a 7.47 (out of 10) GPA and will be eligible to sit for the CFAB in December 2017. I feel that I possess the theoretical knowledge and technical skills to qualify as a competitive candidate.

During the summer, I participated in five workshops on auditing, where I was able to meet some professional accountants and auditors, such as...– General Secretary of ...and ...- ICAEW’s Chief Representative in...and learned about ~~this area~~ careers in financial auditing from them. I also took away many great tips to improve my networking and communication skills that I am now using in my daily life. By researching information about...., I really enjoyed learning more about the services, culture, and people here(where?? ).

I also worked at the....(I don't know if "at" is OK." in my university as a finance team leader. I helped define the role of each member, and supported members in contacting, negotiating and signing agreements with sponsors. Besides, I am a member of the Executive Committee of the ... in university. I gained leadership skills, and knowledge about professional (professional what?) that further developed my career (Do you have a career position now?). My experience as both leader and member of the executive committee are some of what I can offer to the internship position.

I have attached my CV for your review ~~as well.~~ Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to your reply.

Yours faithfully,

Ana Nhi · Answer

Many thanks for your help, AlpheccaStars.

For your questions:

AlpheccaStarsBy researching information about...., I really enjoyed learning more about the services, culture, and people here(where?? ).

for ex: By researching information about ABC Company (the company that I want to apply), I really enjoyed learning more about the services, culture, and people here. Do you think it's OK?

AlpheccaStars I gained leadership skills, and knowledge about professional (professional what?) that further developed my career (Do you have a career position now?).

Do you think it will be better when I am writing: I gained many skills, such as teamwork, time management and public speaking, and professional knowledge that further developed my future career ??

AlpheccaStars · Answer

While researching information about ABC Company (the company that I want to apply to), I really enjoyed learning more about the services, culture, and people there.

Here is where you are now.
There is somewhere else.

I gained many skills, such as teamwork, time management and public speaking, and professional knowledge which will be very useful in my future career.

please help me to correct this mail. Thnaks a ton.

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