Please help me to correct this IELTS Essay. Thanks sincerely!

Question

The table below gives information about the temperatures and hours of daylight in 2 cities in May 2007. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The given table compares and contrasts the temperatures and daylight hours from Friday to Sunday in Moscow and Mumbai in the middle of 2007. In general, as can be seen from the table, the climate and the moving process of the sun in Moscow were colder and longer than Mumbai.

In Moscow, on Friday, the temperature was registered 4^oC at the minimum level and 8^oC at the maximum level, while the sun started shining from 4.55 am and turned sunset at 10.04 pm. On the next day, the minimum and maximum level grew by 5^oC and 2^oC respectively, whereas the sunrise and sunset maintained almost the same values as the previous day. At the end of the week, the heat dropped slightly to 3^oC and 9^oC at the minimum and maximum level in order, while hours of daylight were registered from 4.53 am to 10.05 pm.

Among Mumbai, the temperature was recorded from 29^oC to 33^oC on Friday, while the minimum level remained stable and the maximum temperature rose by 2^oC after one day. On Sunday, the temperature was the same as the first day. In addition, the sunrise was registered around 6.00 am and the sunset was about 4.00 pm during the period.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Please post essays, paragraphs, dialogues and other writing in the essay forum so a moderator does not have to move your post.
https://www.englishforums.com/English/EssayReportCompositionWriting/Forum9.htm

AlpheccaStars · Answer

The ~~given~~ (Normally the participle follows the noun - "the table given".... However, it is best just to omit it. It is unnecessary and unnatural English.) table compares and contrasts the temperatures and daylight hours from Friday to Sunday in Moscow and Mumbai in the middle of 2007. (The middle of the year is the end of June and beginning of July. That is not accurate, because none of the data in the table is from these months.)

Begin a new paragraph when you begin to write about the information.

In general, ~~as can be seen from the table~~, (The reader knows you are looking at the table. It tells the reader nothing about the information there. These words are not necessary.) the climate (wrong word. Climates are not specific weather data. ) and the moving process of the sun (That is unnatural. ) in Moscow were colder and longer (How can the movement of the sun be cold?) than Mumbai.

This is what you mean:

In general, in May, the temperatures are higher in Mumbai, and the days are longer in Moscow.

Here are some more things you can say. You will get a much better score if you do compare and contrast rather than just copying numbers from the table to your paragraphs.

At this time, the length of the day is about 10 hours in Mumbai and 17 hours in Moscow. The days in Moscow in May are seven hours longer in Moscow than in Mumbai.

The sun rises about an hour earlier in Moscow than it does in Mumbai

The sun sets about six hours later in Moscow than it does in Mumbai.

Also, the earlier sunrises can be seen in Moscow because the sun rose 2 minutes earlier between Friday and Sunday.

The temperature differences from minimum to maximum are about the same Moscow as in Mumbai. The difference between the highest high and the lowest low in Moscow was 7º C in Moscow (3 - 10º C) , and 6º C in Mumbai (29 - 35 º C) .

In Moscow, on Friday, the temperature was ~~registered~~ 4^oC at the minimum ~~level~~ and 8^oC at the maximum ~~level~~, while the sun started shining (No. The sun is always shining. It is not like a light bulb that you can switch on and off. The sun rose at 4:55 am and set at 10:04.) from 4.55 am and turned (wrong word) sunset at 10.04 pm. On the next day, the minimum and maximum level ~~grew~~ (Temperatures are not like flowers or trees. They do not grow. Temperatures go up and down. They rise and fall. They increase and decrease. ) by 5^oC and 2^oC respectively, whereas the sunrise and sunset had ~~maintained~~ almost the same values as the previous day. At the end of the week, the heat (wrong word) dropped slightly to 3^oC and 9^oC at the minimum and maximum ~~level in order,~~ while hours of daylight were ~~registered~~ from 4.53 am to 10.05 pm.

The sun rose at 4:55 am and set at 10:04.

Among Mumbai, the temperature ranged ~~was recorded~~ from 29^oC to 33^oC on Friday, while the minimum ~~level~~ remained the same ~~stable~~ and the maximum temperature rose by 2^oC ~~after one day~~. On Sunday, the minimum and maximum temperatures were ~~was~~ the same as the first day. In addition, the sunrise was ~~registered~~ around 6.00 am and the sunset was about 4.00 pm ~~during the period~~.

Please help me to correct this IELTS Essay. Thanks sincerely!

Top answer

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

Related Questions