Please help me to correct my english mistakes, in my formal message

Question

Hi all

acctually , it's a homework , to write a formal message to a company asking 4 information about their computers
becuase we want to buy some computers , so.... i wrote this messege but i need your opinion
please , help me

the formal message :

August 24 , 2008

Hewlett-Packard c/o

To president of the company.

Inform us about the latest computer systems your company is offering.

Please note that we seek business range computers.

Though quality is a matter that should be reckoned , but reasonable prices would be appreciated since we require a large systems in the shortest possible time.

Please quote us your lowest possible prices with the highest available discounts and best cash terms.

With regard to your most recent an early reply would be appreciated.

Sincerely

DR Peter smith.

Clive · Accepted Answer

Hi,
acctually , it's a homework , to write a formal message to a company asking 4 information about their computers
becuase we want to buy some computers , so.. i wrote this messege but i need your opinion
please , help me

the formal message :

Oxford University
Oxford

England

August 24 , 2008

Hewlett-Packard

Shanghai

China

Dear Sir,

We would be grateful for details of the latest computer systems your company is offering.

We are looking for business range computers. Quality is important to us. We require a large system in the shortest possible time.

Please quote us your lowest possible prices, with the highest available discounts and best cash terms.

An early reply would be appreciated.
Yours sincerely,
Dr. Peter Smith

In the real world, you'd have to give them a great deal more detail before they could offer a price quotation. They'd send a salesperson to talk to you.

Clive

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Hi Bourair;
Such a letter should not be addressed to the company's president, but to the sales department. The president usually does not handle such requests. It is important for the letter to be short and very logical. The salutation should be "Dear Sir:"
You should begin with the purpose of your letter, for example, We are interested in purchasing 100 high-end business systems. (Also you could mention the operating system and software that you need to be provided.) Next state you terms and conditions: For example: We need these systems as soon as possible, ideally within one month, and for the best possible discount prices at cash terms.
Next, ask for what you want, for example: Please send us the specifications of the latest models that fit these requirements, and a quotation for the base price, and any recommended optional equipment. (Do you want to ask about other charges, like shipping?)
Next, thank them for a quick response.

Bourair · Answer

Thank u very much my freinds.

your advices was very usefull 4 me.

however , i wrote another message depending on ur adivces , and i need ur help to correct it , if there is any grammatical or punctual errors , and i need to know if there is another phrases or words better than mine and why ....

Please remember that my messege is formal.

August 24, 2009

Hewlett-Packard c/o

Dear Sales Manager:

Due to the oldness of our faculty computers, we are interested in purchasing new

ones as replacements; therefore, we trust you will kindly inform us about the

latest computer offers you proffer presently, and we beg to call your careful

attention to the fact that we seek the business range.

Though quality is a matter that should be kept in mind, yet rational prices are

greatly appreciated since numerous quantities shall be demanded in the shortest

possible time. Consequently, please quote us the most recent offers you tender

with the lowest possible prices and best available discounts and cash terms, and

an early reply would be much obliged.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Yours sincerely,

Peter Smith

Purchases Manager.

Clive · Answer

Hi,

The Sales Manager,

Hewlett-Packard c/o

Shanghai

China

Dear Sir:

Rather than rewriting all of this for you, let me just offer a couple of suggestions.

Formality does not require the use of fancy words like 'proffer' and complicated sentences. You need to say what you want in a much more simple and direct manner.

Your letter is excessively polite, particularly the first paragraph. Again, formality does not require elaborate politeness.

You need to include details, like how many computers you want.

I suggest you rewrite this, and post it again if you wish.

Best wishes, Clive

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Dear Bourair;
Please take Clive's advice on the tone and structure of your formal letter. His advice is right on. Your letter is obsequious, even bordering on being unctuous. This would have been the style of a professional letter in the Victorian age, but not in the modern age of global commerce.
I will just point out some errors in grammar, and word choices.

bourair Due to the ~~oldness~~ age of our faculty (faculty needs to be possessive case) computers, we are interested in purchasing new ones as replacements; therefore, we trust you will kindly inform us about the latest computer offers you proffer presently, and we beg to call your careful attention to the fact that we seek the business range. Though quality is a matter that should be kept in mind, yet ~~rational~~ (reasonable - rational means "sane" and implies that they might not be thinking correctly) prices are greatly appreciated since numerous quantities (qualities does not make much sense) shall (shall is not used much anymore) be demanded in the shortest possible time. Consequently, please quote us the most recent offers you tender with the lowest possible prices and best available discounts and cash terms, and an early reply would be much obliged.

Anonymous · Answer

Dear Mr Ahmed

In reply to your reqest for information, about the products, we sell, I am pleased to enclose our current catalogue.As you can see
we stock a wide range of printer inks and cartriges.
We looke forward to recieved your order
Yours sincerly

Mister Micawber · Answer

.
Dear Mr Ahmed,
In reply to your request for information about our products, I am pleased to enclose our current catalogue. As you can see, we stock a wide range of printer inks and cartridges.
Please contact me at [email address, phone number] if you have further questions. We look forward to receiving your order.
Yours sincerely,

Anonymous · Answer

Oxford University

London

England

August 24 , 2008

To Whom it may Concern of The Hewlett-Packard Company,

I am writing to you on behalf of 'Normal 0 false false false MicrosoftInternetExplorer4' and have an interest in Hewlett-Packard computers. Normal 0 false false false MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 is seeking information about the latest computers systems and available for business purposes, keeping in mind the time frame that it takes to order and receive Product. Computer Prices, Date of Manufacture, Quality of the Product and the time it takes to order and receive Product are details that are of interest to Normal 0 false false false MicrosoftInternetExplorer4. If it is possible to achieve discounts through bulk buying or by any other means than Normal 0 false false false MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 would be grateful if you could provide information about these wonderful deals.

Thank-you for any assistance that you can provide,

Dr. Peter Smith

Please provide contact details here, such as a phone number or email address

Anonymous · Answer

Dear sir you send the  drawing for quotation same cost for earlier quotation

Please help me to correct my english mistakes, in my formal message

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