Please help me to check my paragraph

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Hi, I have written a discussion paragraph about the topic that I chose by myself. Could anyone help me to check it please? Thanks a lot!

Topic: Students should make a yearbook album in high school.

Many high school students think that they take yearbook photos to keep their memorable experiences together and I disagree with this opinion because of some following reasons. First of all, yearbook photography means spending a large amount of time. Students have to take one day in a week for the shooting and it usually begins from early in the morning to at night. Secondly, moving from place to another one to take pictures also makes students tired. As a result, they will not have any energy for the next day and this can be harmful to their study progress. Moreover, money should also be taken into consideration by students. A shooting day usually includes the cost for hiring photographers, clothes, cars, ect so that the amount can be about 400.000 VND to 500.000 VND, even up to 1.000.000 VND. With the amount of money like that, almost students have tendency to focus much on taking photos and forget about the main reason why they are together: creating and keeping memorable moments. In short, a warmly meeting or eating out together should be other ways for students to spend the time left together

EnglishWritingExperts · Accepted Answer

Hi Vivian,

I've edited the paragraph for you below. Hope this helps

Kind regards,

Anath

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Many high school students think that taking yearbook photos helps them cherish memorable experiences. However, I disagree with this opinion, for the following reasons:

First of all, yearbook photography means wasting a large amount of time. Students have to dedicate one day a week for the shooting, and it usually begins from early in the morning to late at night. Secondly, moving from one place to another to take pictures can make students tired. As a result, they will not have any energy the next day, and this can be harmful to their study progress. Additionally, the costs should be taken into consideration by students. A day of shooting usually includes the cost of hiring photographers, clothes, cars, etc..., which can usually amount to a sum that ranges from 400.000 VND to 500.000 VND, and can even cost up to 1.000.000 VND. With that amount of money, almost all students have a tendency to focus more on taking photos and forget the main reason they are together: creating and cherishing memorable moments.

In conclusion, a warm meeting or eating out together would be a better way for students to spend the time they have left together.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Many high school students think that they should take yearbook photos to keep a record of their memorable experiences together ~~and~~ but I disagree with this opinion. ~~because of some following reasons~~. (This is unnecessary. We expect your reasons to follow after an opinion.) First of all, yearbook photography ~~means~~ ~~spending~~ takes a large amount of time. Students have to take one day per ~~in a~~ week for the shooting and it usually begins from early in the morning to late at night. ~~Secondly~~, Second, moving from place to another one to take pictures also makes students tired. As a result, they will not have any energy for the next day and this can be harmful to their studies. ~~progress~~. Moreover, money should also be taken into consideration ~~by students~~. A shooting day usually includes the cost for hiring photographers, clothes, cars, ect (Do not use "etc. or "..." or "and so on" in formal writing.) so that the amount charged per student can be about 400.000 VND to 500.000 VND, even up to 1.000.000 VND. With an ~~the~~ amount of money like that, almost students have a tendency to focus much on taking photos themselves and forget about the main reason why they are together: creating and keeping memorable moments. In short, a warmly (wrong form) meeting or eating out together should be other ways for students to spend their time left together (missing punctuation)

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