Please help me to check my IELTS Writing

The illustrations provide information on the number of UK graduate and postgraduate students who did not work full-time job, after abandoning their college in 2008.

The first quick look shows that few graduate preferred to do voluntary task; however, the majority followed further study. A noticeable amount of college leavers were in a part-time job.
Concerning the analysis of the graduate undergraduate, 29665 ambitious junior out of 30000, persuaded their study besides the bachelor's degree, whereas ninefold of the whole decided to be a volunteer. The graduates which were unemployed and doing part-time trial were shown with a similar trend in 2008. By contrast, this ratio for the ones who did not work was still constant, while the same pattern for the part-time workers rocketed significantly.
In terms of the postgraduates, the highest portion of them opted for to get an education, and the number of people who worked as a volunteer had no change in the differences of the total amount. The number of students who went on studying and the others who earned money was demonstrated by almost the same quantity, with 2725 and 2535, respectively.