Please help me to check IELTS Writing Task 1: Line Graph

Question

The line graph illustrates how many students of Vietnam were educated in three different countries over a period of 15 years.

It is clear that while the average number of Vietnamese students in America and France increased significantly. The opposite was true for Russia. In addition, the figure for America experienced the highest rise.

In the year 2000, there was an average of nearly 3,5 and 3 million Vi?tnamese students in France and Russia respectively compared to only 1.5 million students choosing America education. Over the next five years, the number of students in both France and Russia witnessed a steady fall, there were 2.5 million in France and 2.2 million in Russia. By contrast, the average number of Vietnamese students in America rose gradually, equal to Russia.

In 2010, the number of students studying in America surpassed that in France and Russia, stood at 3 million students while Russia continued falling in the number of students, 1.8 million. There was a stability in the figure for France during the same period. From the year 2010 onward, all the countries saw a rise. To be specific, the average number of students in America and France increase considerably, 6 and 5.5 million Vietnamese students respectively. The figure for Russia was 2.5 million students.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Th?o Ph?m 1929The line graph ( 1) illustrates how many students of ( 2) Vietnam were educated ( 3) in three different countries ( 4) over a period of 15 years. ( 5)

1. Poor choice of verbs.
The verb "illustrate" means "make a picture." Use this verb for maps, diagrams, process flows and other pictorial graphics.

Do NOT use this verb for graphs, pie charts and bar charts.

The verbs to use with these data plots are show, compare, give, plot or present.

For example:

The diagram illustrates the different stages in the process of making cement from raw materials to a finished product.

2. Wrong preposition. Vietnamese students.

3. Wrong verb. "Were educated" means that they had finished school and maybe returned to their home country.

4. What countries are shown?

5. "a period of 15 years" could be from 1900-1915 or 1932-1947 or 1880-1895. It is very vague. Task 1 is writing for science and math. Precision and accuracy are very important.

Here is a good opening sentence:

The line graph compares the average number of Vietnamese who were enrolled as students in France, Russia and America during the fifteen year period starting in 2000.

~~It is clear that~~ (Those words say nothing about the data. ) while the average number of Vietnamese students in America and France increased significantly. (Your sentence is a fragment. It is a dependent clause.) The opposite was true for Russia. In addition, the figure (wrong word) for America experienced (wrong word. Numbers do not have experiences. This is not good for Task 1.) the highest rise.

In the year 2000, there was an average of nearly 3,5 and 3 million Vietnamese students in France and Russia respectively compared to only 1.5 million students choosing an America education. Over the next five years, the number of students in both France and Russia witnessed (wrong word. Numbers do not witness events. This is not good for Task 1.) a steady fall, there were 2.5 million in France and 2.2 million in Russia. By contrast, the average number ~~of Vietnamese students~~ in America rose gradually, equal to Russia.

In 2010, the number ~~of students studying~~ in America surpassed that of France and Russia, stood (wrong form and not a good word.) at 3 million students while Russia continued falling in the number of students, (not good phrasing) 1.8 million. There was a stability in the figure (wrong word) for France during the same period. From the year 2010 onward, all the countries saw (wrong word. Countries do not see things. This is not good for Task 1.) a rise. To be specific, the average number of students in America and France increase (wrong form) considerably, 6 and 5.5 million ~~Vietnamese students~~ respectively. The figure for Russia was 2.5 million students.

You have a lot of repetition. In the first paragraph you tell the reader that there are numbers of Vietnamese students on this graph. You do not need to repeat it.

Sample essay:

The line graph compares the average number of Vietnamese who were enrolled as students in France, Russia and America during the fifteen year period starting in 2000. Data points are given every five years.

Overall, 50% more Vietnamese were in school in these countries in 2015 than in 2000, as the total had risen from 8 to 12 million. Those enrolled in American schools accounted for most of that increase, with France contributing also. The numbers in Russia, in contrast, decreased.

In 2000, France had the largest number, 3.5 million, followed by Russia at 3 million. Enrollments in the US were half that of Russia, 1.5 million. During the next five years, the numbers in France and Russia declined, France by a full million and a little less than that in Russia. Meanwhile it rose in the US by about a half million. Consequently, the total in 2005 was actually less than in 2000, between 6.5 and 7 million. The situation reversed in 2010 when the US had the most students, 3 million, followed by France at 2.5 and Russia, about 1.8 million. However, that was the smallest number of students in Russia during the entire period. At the last point on the graph, 2015, the US was clearly in the lead, with 5 million, more than triple the number that were attending schools there in 2000. France came in a relatively close second at 4.5 million and Russia third, half the number as the US.

Book hat 341 · Answer

Hello Mr Simon I am glad to see your line graph and also the answers are atractive ,Mr Simon thanks for your help ,I learned a lot from you

Bee scarf 549 · Answer

Hello everyone I am so happy to joint this group so that Could you help me to increase my writing

Please help me to check IELTS Writing Task 1: Line Graph

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