Please help me to assess my Ielts task 1. Thanks in advance

Question

The graph below shows information on employment rates across 6 countries in 1995 and 2005.Summarise the information by choosing and describe the main idea, and make comparisons where appropriate.The bar chart compares the data about the employed man and woman levels in 6 nations: Australia, Switzerland, Iceland, the UK, New Zealand, and the USA in 1995 and 2005.Overall, the percentages of employed men were relatively higher than those of women and the employment rates in both genders increased from 1995 to 2005.In 1995, around 27% of females in Australia and New Zealand had jobs, compared with approximately 55% of males in both two countries. The proportions of these countries rose to roundly 40% for women and 70% for men by 2005. In Iceland, the figures for females who were employed was 40% and over 50% in 1995 and 2005, respectively. However, the employed rate of males in Iceland was the highest among these 6 countries, with over 70% in 1995 and around 82% in 2005.The employment rates in Switzerland and the UK remained over 50% for both genders. The highest employed rate in women was Switzerland in both 1995 (55%) and 2005 (68%). For the USA, the employment rates were still high.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Anh Dung HoàngThe graph below shows information on employment rates across 6 countries in 1995 and 2005.Summarise the information by choosing and describe the main idea, and make comparisons where appropriate.

Where did you find this task? The instructions have errors. Avoid writing practice tests where the person who wrote the test cannot write good English.

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AlpheccaStars · Answer

The bar chart compares the data (What is on this chart? What is the scale on the Y-axis?) about the employed man and woman levels (very unnatural.) in 6 (write words for small numbers that are not data values) six nations: Australia, Switzerland, Iceland, the UK, New Zealand, and the USA in 1995 and 2005.
Overall, the percentages of employed men were relatively higher than those of women and the employment rates in for both ~~genders~~ increased from 1995 to 2005.
In 1995, around 27% of females in Australia and New Zealand had jobs, compared with approximately 55% of males in both ~~two~~ (Bad English. Use either "both" or "these two". ) countries. The proportions of these countries (wrong expression - Parts of countries are not plotted here.) rose to roundly (not a good word here) 40% for women and 70% for men by 2005. In Iceland, the figures (wrong word) for females who were employed (You do not need to repeat this. You have told the reader what is plotted) was 40% and over 50% in 1995 and 2005, respectively. However, the employed rate (wrong expression) of males in Iceland was the highest among these 6 countries, with over 70% (83% is over 70% and so is 77%. Be precise.) in 1995 and around 82% in 2005.
The employment rates in Switzerland and the UK remained over 50% for both genders. (unnatural) The highest employed rate (wrong expression) in women was Switzerland in both 1995 (55%) and 2005 (68%). For the USA, the employment rates were still high.

Demographic measures such as birth rate, unemployment rate and population are precisely defined statistical indicators. It is nearly always wrong to use synonyms or other substitute phrases because these will not have the same definition.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Sample essay:

The bar graph compares the employment rates for men and women for two years, 1995 and 2005, in six countries: Australia, New Zealand, Iceland, Switzerland, the UK and the USA.

Overall, the rates for men were higher than women in every combination of country and year. In addition, rates increased, without exception, from 1995 to 2005. Only two countries, Switzerland and the UK, had a majority of their women employed in both years.

In detail, the lowest employment rates, 25-30%, were for females in Australia and New Zealand in 1995. The highest were for males in Switzerland and Iceland in 2005, 78% and 82% respectively. The country with the largest difference (greater than 30%) between males and females was New Zealand, but Iceland also had similarly large gaps. In contrast, UK had more gender equality in 1995 than any of the countries; 55% and 50% for men and women, respectively. But the gap widened to 8% in 2005, even though both rates were higher. It was almost as narrow in Switzerland, about 10% for both years.

Please help me to assess my Ielts task 1. Thanks in advance

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