Please help me review this task 1 IELTS writing

Question

Topic: The chart below shows the percentage of cinema attendance by age group in Great Britain from 1984 to 2000. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant My essay:The line graph illustrates the proportion of people who went to the cinema in Great Britain in four age groups from 1984 to 2000.Overall, during 16 years, the percentage of cinema attendance increased significantly. Moreover, the youngster is mostly attracted by this activity.Start with 17% in 1984, the percentage of cinema attendance in the age from 15 to 24 increased rapidly until 1990. Then the nation witnessed a considerable fluctuation and keep stable form 1995 to 1996. It reached the top at 58% then dropped in 2000. Unlike the youngster, the older age from 35 and over went up slightly and reached 14% in 2000 except for a minor fluctuation from 1994 to 1997.To the age from 25 to 35, the proportion of cinema attendance climbed up considerably until 1994. While the percentage of  the youngest age group expecienced many climbs and falls. It went up to 30% in 1995, then dropped and finally climbed up and reached the top in 1997. The percentage of the older age group increased slightly and had two years of stability. In 1996, it climbed to the top of 33% then fell down in 1997 and went up to 31% in 2000.*****************************************************Can you give me the the grade in IELTS band and tell me which part I need to correct improve? I will really appeciate that.Thank you so much for spending time reading my writing!

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The line graph ~~illustrates~~ plots the proportion of people in each of four different age groups who went to the cinema in Great Britain ~~in four age groups~~ from 1984 to 2000. (The description is not complete. Specify the age groups that are on the graph. Then you can refer to them in the body paragraphs.)

Your writing is not very natural Englis

Your writing is not very natural English. Also, you use qualitative words (slight, significant, considerable) rather than quantitative words (values and numbers. ) If you are writing for a university professor, you need to be more exact and precise. Use a calculator in Task 1 to derive significant observations from the data.

Overall, during 16 years, the percentage of cinema attendance increased significantly (which age group?) . Moreover, the ~~youngster~~ (??) is mostly attracted (unnatural) by this activity. (That is an awkward phrasing at best. What do you mean by "youngster"?)

Start (wrong form) with 17% in 1984, the percentage of cinema attendance in the age from 15 to 24 increased rapidly until 1990. Then the nation witnessed a considerable fluctuation (This is incorrect. "The nation" is not on the graph. Do not use the verbs "see", "witness", or "experience" with non-human subjects in Task 1. Use those for a Task 2 essay.) and keep stable (wrong tense) form (wrong word) 1995 to 1996. It reached the top at 58% then dropped in 2000. Unlike the youngster, the older age from 35 and over went up slightly and reached 14% in 2000 except for a minor fluctuation from 1994 to 1997.

To the age from 25 to 35, the proportion of cinema attendance climbed up considerably until 1994. While the percentage of the youngest age group expecienced many climbs and falls. It went up to 30% in 1995, then dropped and finally climbed up and reached the top in 1997. The percentage of the older age group increased slightly and had two years of stability. In 1996, it climbed to the top of 33% then fell down in 1997 and went up to 31% in 2000.

Model essay.

The line graph plots the percentage of people in four age groups, (7-14, 15-24, 25-35 and over 35) who went to the movies in Great Britain between 1984 and 2000.

Overall, the percentages increased by factors between 3 and 13 over the 16-year period. In 1984, the data ranged from 1% to 14%, compared with the range of 13% to 55% sixteen years later. The rank ordering among the age groups, in general, did not change throughout the period. More people in the 15-24 age group attended the cinema than in the other three groups, with the gap between it and its nearest competitor (the 7-14 age group) varying between 7% and 25%. After these two groups came the young adults (25-34) and in last place was the oldest group (35 and over). There were four years where the percentages were about the same for the 7-14 and 25-35 age groups (1990, 1994, 1997 and 2000), but for most of the years, the values were greater for the younger of these two groups.

The data for the age group 15-24 showed the highest variability. There was a jump of more than 12% (33% to 50%) between 1993-4 and 20% (38% to 58%) between 1997 and 1999. There were years of decreases of 10-12% in 1992-3 and 1994-5. The data for the 35 and over age group had the least variability. The values increased steadily (almost linearly) from 1% in 1982 to 13% in 2000.

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