Please help me review this IELTS Writing Task 2. Thank you :)

Question

Topic:Many people believe that social networking sites (such as Facebook) have a huge negative impact on both individuals and society.To what extent do you agree or disagree?---     A considerable number of people are of the opinion that social media is producing a vastly detrimental influence on both societies and their individual members and I entirely agree with this viewpoint.     To begin by focusing on individuals, one of the damaging effects which social media has had is that it has created an addiction to these networking sites. This is because the software developers of these sites have designed algorithms which exploit our natural human needs to keep us on the platform. For instance, our longing for social approval, recognition and belonging have been manipulated by the implementation of the notorious "like" button. As a consequence, many people today are reporting record levels of depression and low self-esteem.     As for society in general, social media sites have given rise to the phenomenon of fake news, which has damaged societies to a significant extent. Although misinformation has always existed, the presence and infrastructure of social media have allowed it to proliferate. To illustrate, an article which contains falsehoods about a particular politician might be circulated around social media by an opposition party, and this article may destroy the politician's chance of getting into office. In contrast, if such untruths had not been shared, citizens would not have been influenced by the false information.     To sum up, social networking sites have had and are continuing to have a worrying impact on our world. Not only it is damaging people's mental health by taking advantage of their need for social approval, but it is also giving fake news a chance to poison the political structure which our societies are based on.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

A considerable number of people are of the opinion that social media is producing a vastly detrimental influence on both societies and their individual members and I entirely agree with this viewpoint.

It seems like you just did a word-substitution process on the task instructions to mechanically generate a paraphrase. That is not a good strategy leading to a high score. This is what you did:

A considerable number of (Many) people are of the opinion (believe) that social media is producing (have) a vastly detrimental influence (huge negative impact) on both societies and their individual members

The best band scores are for essays where you write an opening paragraph that convinces the examiner that you understand the task fully. You also answer the essay prompt and state your opinion (if that is applicable to the task). Rote word substitution from dictionary synonyms is not productive.

When you convince the examiner that you know what the task is about, not just repeating the instructions, you will score better.

Here is an opening paragraph for this task. Compare it with yours.

Sentence 1 describes the concerns. Sentence 2 has the experts' response. Sentence 3 has your answer.

Many problems, such as addictive behaviors, spreading of fake news, and cyberbullying have arisen from the extensive use of Facebook and similar social media websites. That has led experts to declare these sites to be terribly destructive to individuals, groups of friends, and society as a whole. I completely agree with this viewpoint.

To begin by focusing on individuals, one of the damaging effects which social media has had is that it has caused many of them to be addicted ~~created an addiction~~ to these networking sites. This is because the software developers of these sites have designed algorithms which exploit our natural human needs to keep us on the platform. For instance, our longing for social approval, recognition and belonging have been manipulated by the implementation of the notorious "like" button. As a consequence, many people today are reporting record levels of depression and low self-esteem.

As for society in general, social media sites have given rise to the wide distribution ~~phenomenon~~ of fake news, which has damaged societies to a significant extent. Although misinformation has always existed, the presence and infrastructure of social media have allowed it to proliferate. To illustrate this, an article which contains falsehoods about a particular politician might be circulated around social media by an opposition party, and this article may destroy the politician's chance of getting into office. In contrast, if such untruths had not been shared, citizens would not have been influenced by the false information.

To sum up, social networking sites have had and are continuing to have a worrying impact on our world. Not only it is damaging people's mental health by taking advantage of their need for social approval, but it is also giving fake news a chance to poison the democratic political structures which our societies are based on.

Please help me review this IELTS Writing Task 2. Thank you :)

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