Please help me review this IELTS writing task 2. Thank you

Question

In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing.What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?My essay:Human's health situation is being considered as an alarming issue that worth noticing in some nations. It is the average weight that keeps rising whereas their health condition and fitness experience a steep plunge. This essay will discuss some main causes as well as effective solutions to tackle this problem. To begin with, it is undeniable to state that people's increasing tendency to lead a sedentary lifestyle has significantly contribute to this phenomenon. Modernisation of the Internet has been resulted in a large-scale access to services which is an ultimate replacement for activities that require moving. Purchasing essentials, for example, can be modified by online shopping- an extensive market providing various products ranging from food to clothes with unlimited choices. People are utterly satisfied with the mobile social and will have no motivation to live actively. Another dentrimental cause to individuals' obesity is the excessive consumption of junk food In many countries. United State can be recognized as having the considerable proportion of fast food intake due to the temptation of time-saving and appetite it brings, ignoring the abundant calories. Although as arduous as this issue may be, there are some viable measures that can alleviate this problem. Promoting people awareness about its inexorable drawbacks is one of the beneficial methods. The government intervention is also indispensably needed as they can raise tax and fees for shipping cost and junk food. This will certainly intimidate a massive number of consumers. To conclude, despite the rapid trend of this unhealthy concern, it is still possible to diminish the phenonmenon if countless efforts are made by both the authorities and individuals./data/user/0/com.samsung.android.app.notes/files/clipdata/clipdata_200825_105838_963.sdoc-&gt;

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Human's (Poor English. ) health situation is being considered as an alarming issue that worth noticing (Ungrammatical. missing verb) in some nations. It is the average weight that keeps rising whereas their health condition and fitness experience a steep plunge. (Wrong vocabulary words) ~~This essay will discuss some main causes as well as effective solutions to tackle this problem.~~

(It is bad form to mention your essay. You will get a higher score with a thesis statement. The lazy student writes "In this essay, I will tell you XYZ ....."

This gives the reader very little information about the point you will make. The examiner is looking for your main point, and an answer to the essay prompt.

Here is a good thesis statement for this topic:

The modern lifestyle of eating junk food and not exercising have led to a crisis where a high proportion of some countries' populations are afflicted with bad health. However, there are some remedies to turn this trend around.

)

To begin with, ~~it is undeniable to state that~~ (Unnecessary verbosity. It adds no content and it does not make any sense. ) people's increasing tendency to lead a sedentary lifestyle has significantly contribute (Wrong verb form) to this phenomenon. Modernisation of the Internet (Modernisation does not form a rational collocation with internet. You can modernise a building, a house, a bathroom or even a school curriculum.) has been resulted (Wrong verb form) in a large-scale access to services which is an ultimate replacement for activities that require moving. Purchasing essentials, for example, can be modified (Wrong word) by online shopping- an extensive market providing various products ranging from food to clothes with unlimited choices. (ungrammatical) People are utterly (Wrong usage) satisfied with the mobile social (Wrong expression) and will have no motivation to live actively. Another dentrimental cause to (Wrong preposition) individuals' obesity is the excessive consumption of junk food In many countries. United State (Wrong form of the name) can be recognized as having the considerable proportion of fast food intake (Countries to not eat.) due to the temptation of time-saving (That does not make sense.) and appetite (Wrong word) it brings, ignoring the abundant calories.

Although as arduous (Wrong vocabulary word) as this issue may be, there are some viable measures that can alleviate this problem. Promoting people (Wrong form) awareness about its inexorable (Wrong vocabulary word) drawbacks is one of the beneficial methods. The government intervention is also indispensably needed as they can raise tax (Wrong form) and fees for shipping cost and junk food. This will certainly intimidate a massive number of consumers.

To conclude, despite the rapid trend (wrong word) of this unhealthy concern, it is still possible to diminish the phenonmenon (wrong vocabulary word) if ~~countless~~ efforts are made by both the authorities and individuals.

Please help me review this IELTS writing task 2. Thank you

Top answer

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

Related Questions