Please help me review this IELTS Writing Task 2 Essay

Question

Hello, here is my latest essay for IELSTS writing task 2. Please help me review it, thank you so much.
Hope you have a happy weekend.

Watching a live performance such as a play, concert, or sporting event is more enjoyable than watching the same event on television. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

TASK

Entertainment in this day and age can not only be enjoyed live on the spot but also through the screen. While many people are pleasant to watch concerts, sporting events at home, I completely side with the opinion of watching live performances for unique experiences it brings about.

On the one hand, the main obstacle which prevents people from attending live performances would be the high costs they have to spend, whereas broadcasted shows cost almost nothing but a TV set. To begin with, entrance tickets to live events can be expensive, and sometimes, sold out in a short time. Take Coachella, a popular music festival, as an example; in 2020, the most affordable ticket costed no less than $500, and the tickets of all tiers had been sold in about one hour. Moreover, if the event is not held at the place where people are living, they have to spend more money including travelling and accommodation fee. In other words, watching shows at home helps viewers save money and also time for travelling.

However, I would argue that it is worth attending at least a live performance in our lives. First of all, there are more activities to do at outdoor events rather than just watching and listening. Owing to the lively music and atmosphere, audiences can truly immerse in the songs, dances, cheers, applause. They can also interact with people on stage or even have the chance to perform along the singers, dancers. Furthermore, going to live events is beneficial for our social life. People who attend the same shows would have similar interest and hobbies, that means they can freely talk about the show itself or why they get into this interest, and also enjoy the performances together. For example, in football matches, the supporters of a club often chant their club’s traditional song collectively, and cheer whenever a goal is scored. In this way, live performances can help enhance mutual understanding and create many memorable experiences.

In conclusion, while being audiences at home may be comfortable and economical, it can not compare with live performances in terms of unique experiences that only people who attend can understand.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Entertainment in this day and age can not only be enjoyed live on the spot but also through a computer or TV ~~the~~ screen. While many people are pleasant (Wrong word. "People are pleasant" means they are nice and kind.) to watch concerts, sporting events at home, I completely side with the opinion of watching live performances for the unique experiences ~~it brings~~ (You need a plural pronoun for a plural antecedent) they bring about.

Your next paragraph is completely off-topic.

You wrote "I completely side with going to these performances in person". This is your thesis statement. It is your position, your opinion.

Now you need TWO arguments to support your position, one in each body paragraph. The next paragraph does not support your opinion. It contradicts your opinion. You have "shot yourself in the foot" as the saying goes. This is NOT an advantages/ disadvantages essay. Do not write an advantages/disadvantages essay when the essay type is an opinion essay. This paragraph does not count.

On the one hand, the main obstacle which prevents people from attending live performances would be the high costs they have to spend, whereas broadcasted shows cost almost nothing but a TV set. To begin with, entrance tickets to live events can be expensive, and sometimes, sold out in a short time. Take Coachella, a popular music festival, as an example; in 2020, the most affordable ticket costed no less than $500, and the tickets of all tiers had been sold in about one hour. Moreover, if the event is not held at the place where people are living, they have to spend more money including travelling and accommodation fee. In other words, watching shows at home helps viewers save money and also time for travelling.

However, ~~I would argue that~~ (You already wrote your thesis statement. Do not write opinions in the body paragraphs. The body paragraphs are for arguments to justify your opinion. ) it is worth attending at least a live performance in our lives. First of all, there are more activities to do at outdoor events rather than just watching and listening. Owing to the lively music and atmosphere, audiences can truly immerse themselves in the songs, dances, cheers, applause. (Ungrammatical series. Missing conjunction) They can also interact with people on stage or even have the chance to perform along with the singers, dancers. (Ungrammatical series. Missing conjunction) Furthermore, going to live events is beneficial for our social life. People who attend the same shows would have similar interest (wrong form) and hobbies, that means they can freely talk about the show itself or why they decided to buy tickets, ~~get into this interest,~~ and also enjoy the performances together. For example, in football matches, the supporters of a club often chant their club’s traditional song collectively, and cheer whenever a goal is scored. In this way, live performances can help ~~enhance~~ develop mutual understanding and create many memorable experiences.

In conclusion, while being audiences at home may be comfortable and economical, it can not compare with live performances in terms of unique experiences that only people who attend can understand.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

You wrote over 360 words. The minimum is 250.

You will not lose points for writing more; however, longer essays generally do not get high band scores. And there are many reasons for this.

First, the longer the essay, the more chances you have to make errors, and you will lose points for each of those errors.

Second, your writing may be repetitious and wordy. This will cost you points in task response or coherence and cohesion.

Third, you will likely stray off-topic, and examiners will deduct points if you are not focused on the topic. Do not write about things that are not specifically given in the task. You will also be tempted to use weak or unsound arguments or even lose your direction and contradict yourself. Develop just two or three argument points with examples and personal experiences. It is much better to have two well-developed and fleshed-out argument points than to have four which are just individual separate statements.

Fourth, you will spend a lot of time writing, and not have sufficient time left over to proofread your essay. You will miss the silly mistakes, which everyone makes, and that lowers your score.

Fifth, you will not have enough time for Task 1, and get a lower score there. You should allow 40 minutes for task and 20 minutes for Task 1. The word counts are designed so that you have ample time for brainstorming and then writing the two parts.

Aim to write around 270-290 words for Task 2. Practice writing a lot of essays so you get a feeling for the length.

Please help me review this IELTS Writing Task 2 Essay

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