Please help me review this IELTS task 1

Question

---------------------------------------The two pie charts plot the proportion of energy use by purposes and their contribution shares to the greenhouse effect in an Australian household. They include six categories of heating, water heating, refrigeration, lightning, cooling, and other appliances. Overall, the energy consumed for room and water heating made up the largest energy demand while water heating and household appliances were the biggest source of greenhouse-induced gases released by a house. Regarding more details, an Australian family utilized 42% of energy for heating up their home and 30% for hot water. The remaining 28% was attributed to other devices such as refrigerator (7%), other appliances (15%), lightning (4%) and cooling (2%). In terms of greenhouse gas emission, boiling water released highest volume of gas (32%) following by using other appliances (28%) as well as refrigeration (14%). Room heating was the third contributor responsible for 15% to the total gas emissions despite consuming the largest amount of energy. The rest of energy consumption was spent for lightning and cooling systems with 4% and 2%, respectively. They occupied only 8 and 3% of emitted gases which cause greenhouse phenomenon.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The two pie charts plot the proportion of energy use by purposes and their contribution shares to the greenhouse effect (wrong usage. The greenhouse effect is a natural process occurring in the earth's atmosphere. https://climatekids.nasa.gov/greenhouse-effect/ ) in an typical / average Australian household. (If you write "an Australian household" you are writing about one of them, not the average.) They (You do not have any good antecedent of "they") include six categories of heating, water heating, refrigeration, lightning, cooling, and other appliances.

The two pie charts compare the relative energy consumption and greenhouse gas emissions by six different types of appliances in a typical Australian household. These types are heating, water heating, cooling, lighting, refrigeration and other appliances.

Overall, the energy consumed for home/house ~~room~~ and water heating have ~~made up~~ the largest energy demand while water heating and household appliances were the biggest source of greenhouse-induced gases. ~~released by a house~~. (You do not need this phrase. The reader knows that it is from a home.)

Regarding more details, an Australian family utilized 42% of the total energy they used for heating up their home and 30% for hot water. The remaining 28% was attributed to other devices such as refrigerator (7%), other appliances (15%), lightning (4%) and cooling (2%). In terms of greenhouse gas emissions, heating ~~boiling~~ water released highest volume of gas (32%) following by using other appliances (28%) as well as refrigeration (14%). Room heating was the third contributor responsible for 15% to the total gas emissions despite consuming the largest amount of energy.

The rest of energy consumption was spent for lightning and cooling systems with 4% and 2%, respectively. They occupied (wrong word) only 8 and 3% of ~~emitted gases which cause~~ greenhouse gasses. ~~phenomenon~~.

Example essay: (Too long, but will give you some ideas.) Note the use of present tense, rather than past tense in the report. The instructions tell us that this is the current situation, so present tense is appropriate.
Note that the ratio of emissions/consumption expresses how environmentally friendly (lower contribution to global warming) that a particular type of appliance is. This is better than simple descriptions because it is objective, a number, which can be used for comparisons.

The two pie charts compare the relative energy consumption and greenhouse gas emissions by six different types of appliances in a typical Australian household. These types are heating, water heating, cooling, lighting, refrigeration and all other appliances.

Overall, two types, heating and water heating, consume the bulk of the total energy, nearly three-quarters, and they also account for half of the total emissions. Cooling uses the smallest amount of energy, and also is in last place in terms of emissions.

Even though it is the largest user of energy, heating is the most "environmentally-friendly" type of appliance. Its greenhouse gas emissions are 15% of the total whereas it is responsible for 42% of the total energy. That is a ratio of about 1:3. The lower this ratio, the more efficient the appliance is in terms of generating relatively smaller amounts of greenhouse gas emissions. The worst type of appliance on this metric is a tie between refrigeration and lighting, each having a ratio of 2:1. Their measures are 14% and 8% respectively for greenhouse gas emissions and 7% and 4% for energy usage. The group of other appliances is not much better, with 15% of the energy usage and 28% of the greenhouse gas emissions. The second-highest energy consumer, water heating, (30%) is also relatively environmentally-friendly, with 32% of the emissions.

Please help me review this IELTS task 1

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