Please help me review this IELTS task 1

Question

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The pie charts compare the proportion of age groups between Yemen and Italy in two timepoints: in 2000 and 2050 as predicted.

For overview, it is noticeable that the percentage of people under 60 years old outnumbered the other categories in both nations in 2000. Following to the projections, there will be a decline of under-60 citizens in 2050, especially in Italy.

Looking at Yemen's case, the number of people in the range of 15-59 years increases from 46.3% to 57.3% over 50-year period offset by a drop of adolescents and children (under 15 years) which already took more than half of the population in 2000. The proportion of elderly persons might rise slightly to 5.7% according to the predicted figure.

In Italy, people over 60 years occupied nearly one fourth of the population while over 14% of the share was immature individuals. Based on the prediction, Italy witnesses a significant shift in demography in which the retired people will increase dramatically up to 42.3% whereas the quantity of people in working age shrinks to less than 50% in 2050. Similarly, the number of kids decreases taking the lowest portion of 10%.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Khiem DangThe pie charts compare the proportion of age groups between Yemen and Italy in two timepoints: in 2000 and 2050 as predicted.

How many pie charts? What are the age groups? How many age groups? Your description is not very adequate.

"2000 and 2050 as predicted" - implies that both years were predictions.

Example:

The four pie charts compare the age distribution of the inhabitants of Yemen and Italy in 2000 and make a prediction for 2050. There are three age groups displayed: children (ages 1-14), adults (15-59) and seniors (over 60).

Note that I give names to the age groups to refer to them in the body paragraphs. This convenient technique avoids repetition.

Khiem DangFor overview, it is noticeable that the percentage of people under 60 years old outnumbered the other categories in both nations in 2000. Following to the projections, there will be a decline of under-60 citizens in 2050, especially in Italy.

For overview, ~~it is noticeable that~~ (That is not a useful clause.) the percentage of people under 60 years old outnumbered (Percentage outnumbered is not a good phrase. The people outnumbered... not the percentage. ) the other categories (What other categories? You did not tell the reader about any categories.) in both nations in 2000. Following to the projections, there will be a decline in the proportion of under-60 citizens in 2050, especially in Italy.

Example: This is too long, but it gives you ideas about the "overview" paragraph.

Overall, Yemen has a much younger population than Italy, with over 50% of the population being in the youngest age group in 2000. In contrast, the proportion of children in Italy was a little more than a quarter that of Yemen, and its senior group was six times that of Yemen. The populations of both countries are forecast to get older, with Italy aging more than Yemen. In 2050 more than forty-two in every hundred Italians will be over the age of 60, compared to less than six out of a hundred for Yemen.

Khiem DangLooking at Yemen's case, the number of people in the range of 15-59 years increases from 46.3% to 57.3% over 50-year period offset by a drop of adolescents and children (under 15 years) which already took more than half of the population in 2000. The proportion of elderly persons might rise slightly to 5.7% according to the predicted figure.

Looking at Yemen's case, the number of people in the age range of 15-59 years is predicted to increase ~~increases~~ from 46.3% to 57.3% ~~over 50-year period~~ offset by a drop in of adolescents and children (under 15 years) which already accounted for ~~took~~ more than half of the population in 2000. The proportion of elderly persons ~~might~~ will rise slightly to 5.7% according to the forecast / prediction / projection. ~~predicted figure~~.

Khiem DangIn Italy, people over 60 years occupied nearly one fourth of the population while over 14% of the share was immature individuals. Based on the prediction, Italy witnesses a significant shift in demography in which the retired people will increase dramatically up to 42.3% whereas the quantity of people in working age shrinks to less than 50% in 2050. Similarly, the number of kids decreases taking the lowest portion of 10%.

In Italy in 2000, people over 60 years old made up ~~occupied~~ (wrong word) nearly one fourth of the population while over 14% (Unbounded expression. 23 is over 14 and so is 89. Prepositions such as over and under require an adverb to bound them.) ~~of the share~~ was ~~immature individuals.~~ (wrong phrase. ) in the youngest age group. Based on the prediction, Italy ~~witnesses~~ (wrong word, wrong tense) will have /undergo a significant shift in demography in which the ~~retired people~~ oldest age group will grow ~~will increase dramatically up~~ to 42.3% whereas ~~the quantity of people in~~ the proportion of working age people shrinks to less than 50% (unbounded expression. 14 is less than 50, and so is 42) in 2050. Similarly, the percentage ~~number~~ of kids (informal, wrong word) decreases to ~~taking the lowest portion of~~ 10%.

Example body paragraphs:

The current population distribution in Yemen shows a majority (50.1%) of its inhabitants being children, and 96% are under the age of 60. The majority of Italians are working-age adults, representing about six in ten people. Nearly a quarter of Italians are seniors.

The forecast distribution for 2050 shows that Yemen will still have nearly 95% of its population under the age of 60, but the proportion of children will have decreased by 13% and that of adults increased by about the same amount (11%. ) The difference is reflected in the addition of 2% to the senior group. In Italy, only about one in ten of its people will be children, with the remaining being nearly evenly divided between seniors and adults (42% and 46%, respectively).

Please help me review this IELTS task 1

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