Please help me review this IELTS task 1

Question

The charts give information about the changes of proportional expenditure at a UK school throughout three timepoints from 1981 to 2001.

Looking at the overall picture, it was noticeable that the salaries paid for teachers and other school workers occupied the largest portions of institutional budget (over 50%). The remains were spent on scholar resources or facilities and insurance.

From 1981 to 2001, there was a decreasing trend in workers' allowance while the salaries of the teaching staff remained high despite having a slight fluctuation ranging from 40-50%. Meanwhile, the insurance spending stood at 2% in 1981 but rose to 3% after the next 10 years and later reached the share of 8% in 2001.

In terms of educational materials such as books, it could be seen an increasing expense in 1981 and 1991 which took 15% and 20% of the budget, respectively, before witnessed a considerable drop to 9% in 2001. The percentage of money allocated for equipment and furniture hit the bottom at 5% in 1991 compared to 15% 10 years earlier. However, the spending for this issue recovered significantly to 23% of the total in 2001.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The charts (What kind of charts are these? How many?) give information about (That is very very vague. What exactly is on these charts? ) the changes of proportional expenditure (That is not accurate.) at a UK school throughout three timepoints (That is not a valid word.) from 1981 to 2001. (What are the three years? What categories are the expenditure for? How many are there?)

You did not do a good job of describing this figure. The reader has many questions that you did not answer. Read the questions and fix your essay so that the reader does not have these questions.

~~Looking at the overall picture, it was noticeable~~ (Those words tell the reader nothing about the information. Don't waste your words.) that the salaries paid for teachers and other school workers occupied the largest portions of ~~institutional~~ the institution's budget (over 50%). The remains (wrong word. Remains are parts of a dead body.) were spent on scholar (wrong word) resources or facilities and insurance.

From 1981 to 2001, there was a decreasing trend in workers' allowance (wrong word. Allowance is a small amount of money that parents give their children each week. ) while the salaries of the teaching staff remained high despite having a slight fluctuation (wrong word. There are no fluctuations here.) ranging from 40-50%. Meanwhile, the insurance spending stood at 2% in 1981 but rose to 3% after the next 10 years and later reached ~~the share of~~ 8% in 2001.

In terms of educational materials such as books, it could be seen an increasing expense (That is not grammatical.) in 1981 and 1991 which took 15% and 20% of the budget, respectively, before witnessed (wrong word. Also, there is no subject for this verb. Only people witness things. Percentages do not have eyes or ears. ) a considerable drop to 9% in 2001. The percentage ~~of money~~ allocated for equipment and furniture had the lowest value ~~hit the bottom~~ (wrong expression. This is an informal expression. It is not good for math and science writing. ) at 5% in 1991 compared to 15% 10 years earlier. However, the spending for this category ~~issue~~ (wrong word - There are no problems.) recovered (Not a good word. Recover means it was suffering and got better. ) or significantly to 23% of the total in 2001

Example essay:

Vocabulary: Discretionary and non-discretionary

Discretionary and its opposite, non-discretionary, are fantastic vocabulary words to know in the context of budgeting. For example, you must pay your rent and you must buy food. These are non-discretionary items. The money you budget for entertainment is discretionary. You do not have to spend this money to live. In this school's budget insurance is non-discretionary and so are salaries. These items must be spent to operate the school every month. Furniture is discretionary and so are resources such as books, because they can be used for several years.

Other words to note are underlined.

The three pie charts, dated 1981, 1991 and 2001, compare the percentage of yearly spending in one UK school on five budget categories. These are teacher’s salaries, other workers' salaries, furniture and equipment, resources (e.g books), and insurance.

The greatest proportion of the school's budget went to paying employees. In 1991, salaries made up just over two-thirds of the school's budget (68%), with teachers taking 40% and other staff 28%. This had risen slightly to 72% by 1991, with the 10% rise in the teacher's salaries offset by a 6% decline in that of the other workers. In that year, teachers' salaries took up half of the budget, the largest proportion of all three years. In 2001, the total percentage devoted to salaries had dropped to 60%, 45% for teachers and 15% for non-teaching staff.

The two categories representing discretionary items, furniture and equipment and resources, had large variations individually, i.e. ranging between 5% to 23% for the former and 9% to 20% for the latter. But when taken together, the sum was relatively consistent, 30% in 1981, 25% in 1991 and 32% in 2001.

The relative cost of insurance, the last category, increased more than any of the others. It required only 2% of spending in 1981, and that quadrupled to 8% in 2001.

Please help me review this IELTS task 1

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