Please help me review the essay - writing task 2 IELTS

Topic: In many countries, children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it valuable work experience. Discuss both opinions and give your opinion.

My essay

Some people would argue that it is correct for children to get involved in some paid jobs, while other people believe that paid work could bring young people some priceless experience. While children can earn a certain amount of money by working part-time jobs, I believe at their age, before they accept a new job, they should take learning new skills and accumulating essential experience into account.

On one hand, getting a paid job can help adolescents to earn a certain amount of money to pay for what they are dying to purchase. Teenagers could be able to be aware of things they are passionate about and compare to their friends. It is therefore needed if young people can earn their own money and they can use the amount of money paid for personal purposes such as traveling. For example, when I was 18 years old, I decided to look for a part-time at the art gallery to get enough money to buy a new iPhone by myself. However, I believe money should not be considered as the first purpose of young people because there are many useful lessons learned from working.

On the other hand, a part-time job could while still at a school could equip children with a lot of needed skills for their development. Young people tend to lack some skills associated with communication, teamwork, and time management because they are not fully developed as human beings. It is therefore working in a team under a professional supervisor could help them master these skills and become model workers in the coming years. For example, a recent study by York University found that minors who did possess part-time job experience in the past were likely to be mature considering mental development than those who stayed at home and did not participate in either paid or unpaid jobs. For this reason, I believe

In conclusion, although getting a paid job can provide teenagers an income to pay for their interests, the idea of earning money should not be prioritized because at the teenager’s age, learning new skills and being taught valuable experience can be better for them in the long term.

Thank you