Please help me review the essay - writing task 2 IELTS

Question

Topic: There are many reasons that can motivate a person to stay working for the same company. Some believe that money is the main reason. Do you agree or disagree?-------------It is argued that a corporation could keep their staffs for many different reasons and the salary does not matter most. This essay totally agrees with this idea because many staff decided to stay longer in a company to look for some chances of promotion, and company culture plays a key role in keeping employees in the long run.The primary reason that employees desire to devote many years to serving one company is that they could compete to win higher positions. Employers tend to consider staffs who have been working in their firms for many years to give promotions because they believe that the staffs are able to understand their operations clearly. For example, the CEO of Facebook said that he is highly likely to train his current staff to take a higher position in his company.The second reason is that many people find it comfortable to work and get on well with their company’s culture, hence they do not have the intention of applying for a new job. This is because many firms always encourage their staff to strike the balance between home life and working. They do not want to put immense pressure on their staff both mentally and physically and create the best place to work. For example, a recent study by the Canadian Labour Association found that 80% of Apple’s staff want to commit long-term careers because they are satisfied with their working environment and the company’s culture.In conclusion, money is not the most important factor that could motivate a person to stay in a company for a long period of time because the other considerations such as the chance of promotion and the corporation’s culture are highly likely to be vital to worker’s concerns.

Clive · Accepted Answer

I just want to make one quick comment.

The work 'staff' is not used much in modern English. Broadly speaking, it refers to all the people who work for a business. An individua person is a staff member, not 'a staff'. The term employee(s) is much more common. We also say 'workers'.

The group word staff is still in use in hospitals.

Clive

AlpheccaStars · Answer

duyluu1909It is argued that a corporation could keep their staffs for many different reasons and the salary does not matter most.

That is not the topic of this essay. Your sentence does not make sense.

Please read the topic again.

This lady has two staffs. Staffs are used for balance. Skiers use staffs. They are called ski poles.

When the word refers to workers, it is noncount. The plural form is wrong.

duyluu1909This essay totally agrees with this idea

It is bad form to use the word "essay" in academic essays.

Essays do not have opinions.
The essay prompt is this: Do you agree or disagree?
It asks for your opinion, and you have one, so use the pronoun "I".

Answer the question.
If you agree, you believe that people stay with a company mainly because they like the good salaries.

For a good score on "task completion" is is very very important that you answer the questions in the essay instructions.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

The primary reason why employees ~~desire to~~ devote many years to serving one company is ~~that they could~~ to compete for and attain to win higher positions. Employers tend to consider staffs (wrong usage) who have been working in their firms for many years for ~~to give~~ promotions because they believe that the staffs (wrong usage; also with so many repetitions of this word, you are losing points on "lexical Resource" ) are able to understand their operations clearly. For example, the CEO of Facebook said that he is highly likely to train his current staff to take a higher position (wrong form. There is more than one job position in Facebook. Did you know that Facebook has more than fifty thousand employees?) in his company.

The second reason is that many people find it comfortable to work and get on well with their company’s culture, (comma splice error. This a grammatical error and you will lose points on "Grammatical Range and Accuracy") hence they do not have the intention of applying for a new job. This is because many firms always encourage their staff to strike the balance between home life and working. They do not want to put immense pressure on their staff both mentally and physically and create the best place to work. For example, a recent study by the Canadian Labour Association found that 80% of Apple’s staff want to commit long-term careers because they are satisfied with their working environment and the company’s culture.

In conclusion, money is not the most important factor that could motivate (This is the first time you have used the key topic word in your essay. That is why you have lost points for "task completion." You did not address the topic directly in the introduction or the body paragraphs.) a person to stay in a company for a long period of time because the other considerations such as the chance of promotion and the corporation’s culture are highly likely to be vital to worker’s concerns.

Please help me review the essay - writing task 2 IELTS

Top answer

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

Related Questions