Please help me review the essay - writing task 2 IELTS

Topic: Nowadays, some employers think that formal academic qualifications are more important than life experience or personal qualities when they look for new employees. Why is it the case? Do you agree/disagree with this view?

My essay:

It is argued that employers are likely to prefer hiring people who possess diplomas or other official certificates than people having real experience or unique characters. This essay totally disagrees with this statement because an academic degree cannot reflect all personal abilities of a person and some specific jobs require several practical skills and understanding.

Based on academic results, it is difficult to predict that men or women be able to perform a job well. Holding a good outstanding grade can be attributed to many factors such as luck, friends’ supports, and individual professors’ criteria. As a result, a student could get high marks if he/ she could join a great team with his/ her excellent classmates or be given marks by generous teachers. For example, a survey which was conducted by the New York Times showed that more than 50.000 students in a private college in the United State who achieved honor degrees thanks to grades in group projects.

The second reason why making it less important to choose people holding high academic results is that some particular jobs require real experience and knowledge. In the labor market, there are a great number of jobs that take employees only from one to two months to get used to them. As a result, hiring companies tend to choose applicants who have at least one to two years of equivalent experience in their previous jobs to save the cost of training. For example, according to the latest survey of the Canadian government, if an applicant wants to apply for cashier in grocery stores, they tend to be asked about the previous experience before instead of academic qualifications.

In conclusion, it is not necessary for employers to require candidates to show their certificates or qualifications because, in many specific jobs, practical knowledge and hands-on skills are preferable and grades at schools have some limits to describe some underlying abilities of potential candidates.

Thank you