Please help me review my IELTS writing task 2

Hello, could you please give me a review on my writing (ideas, grammar, words use, etc) and some tips on how to improve my writing? If it's possible, which band would you score my essay? Thank you so much in advance :')

Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school.

Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

Learning language has always been a primary concern in the current trends of globalization, especially of parents who want their children to have a brighter future. Some experts believe that children who start learning foreign language at primary school would receive more advatages than those who start at secondary school. In my opinion, the benefits seems to surpass the drawbacks.

On the one hand, due to the difficulties of learning a new language, making children learn a foreign language at such a young age would put more pressure on their study. Parents might be worried since their children already have to study about 5-7 subjects at school (refered to Vietnam only). Furthermore, children would have less time to spend with family and friends if they take up a new language. As learning language requires commitment and time, children would have to dedicate their schedule to practice language skills on a daily basis.

On the other hand, the idea of allowing children to learn another language beside their mother tounge undeniably brings more advantages. First, children is capable of learning new languages in a rapid and easy manner. Many studies show that most children at the age of about 5-10 years old demonstrate better language learning abitlity than teenagers and adults. Besides, letting children interact with a foreign language lays a stable foundation for their future. For example, high school students need to achieve intermediate or advance level of language skills; consequently, children who have already learned language in primary school have more time to sharpen and develop their skills than those who begin in secondary or early high school years.

In conclusion, I strongly believe that by letting children pick up a foreign language in primary school would bring about more advantages.