Please help me review my essay!! Nowadays many people are self-employed instead of working in a company. Why might this be the case? What are some disadvantages to this?

Question

The world of work has significantly changed with a shift in people's working interests from offices or factories to freelancing. More and more people proclaim themselves as self-employed workers. This essay will unfold the plausible reasons behind the alternation and its unexpected drawbacks.

To commence with, such a transformation can be explained by the rise of telecommuting and automation. The application of such modern technology into manufacturing has put manual laborers in jeopardy of losing their jobs. Unemployment lurks around every corner since robots and automatized machines are introduced widely. Another argument is that self-employment might offer freedom, in some ways. Advocatees of this working style are able to escape the rigid 9-to-5 work day.

However, self-employed folks are also likely to face many disturbing hurdles. Firstly, there is currently no social protection system that corresponds to all freelancers. In other words, these people's job security is not assured by any authorized office. Secondly, benefits and bonuses are almost certainly nonexistent if one is self-employed. As a result, freelancing is no match for big companies since the latter could reach out to a multiplicity of the masses thanks to the unlimited potential of crowdsourcing.

In conclusion, self-employment is becoming the future of work in today's society due to the flexible working it offers as well as the advent of high technological appliances. Nevertheless, this trend also has its minus points such as job insecurity and unrivalry to large enterprises.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

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Subject: Please review my IELTS essay

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TOPIC:

Nowadays many people are self-employed instead of working in a company. Why might this be the case? What are some disadvantages to this?

Please copy all the instructions correctly here.

My essay:

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AlpheccaStars · Answer

You wrote 246 words. That is less than the 250-word minimum, so you will lose points. Aim to write 270-290 words for the Task 2 essay so you will be safely over the minimum.

The world of work has significantly changed with a shift in people's career choices ~~working interests~~ from offices or factories to freelancing. More and more people set ~~proclai~~m (not a good choice. Proclaim is just saying something, not doing it.) themselves up as self-employed ~~workers~~. ~~This essay will unfold the plausible reasons behind the alternation and its unexpected drawbacks.~~

Never mention your essay. Write a thesis statement instead. This is the main point of your essay that you will expand, describe or argue in the body paragraphs. e.g. This statement addresses both prompts, 1) why is this the case, and 2) what are the disadvantages.

Although there are some entrepreneurs who will become very wealthy as independent businessmen, and the flexibility of setting one's own hours is appealing, there are some serious pitfalls to be aware of.

This thesis statement gives the examiner a hint of your arguments in the body paragraphs. With this thesis statement, you will get an excellent score in task completion because you are writing about all aspects of the topic.

To commence with, such a transformation (This is off-topic. It is not asking about any transformation. People chose to be self-employed a long time before telecommuting and modern technology. ) can be explained by the rise of telecommuting and automation. The application of such modern technology into manufacturing has put manual laborers in jeopardy of losing their jobs. Unemployment lurks around every corner since robots and automatized machines are being introduced widely. (This point is not connected to the topic. You must tie it to the essay topic. Otherwise, you will lose points for "Task completion".) Another argument is that self-employment might offer freedom~~, in some ways~~. Advocatees of this working style are able to escape the rigid 9-to-5 work day. (This point is a good one, but it is not developed. Give an example from your knowledge or personal experience.)

However, the self-employed ~~folks~~ are also likely to face many disturbing hurdles. ~~Firstly~~, First, there is currently no social protection system ~~that corresponds to all freelancers~~. In other words, these people's job security is not assured by the government. ~~any authorized office~~. ~~Secondly~~, Second, benefits and bonuses are almost certainly nonexistent if one is self-employed. As a result, freelancing (Freelancing is only one type of self-employment. People who start a restaurant, clothing alteration service or car repair shop are not freelancers.) is no match for big companies since the latter could reach out to a multiplicity of the masses (unnatural, awkward) thanks to the unlimited potential of crowdsourcing. (I do not understand your point. Major business such as airline companies, automobile manufacturers and fast-food franchises do not use crowdsourcing. )

In conclusion, self-employment is becoming the future of work in today's society due to the flexible working it offers as well as the advent (wrong word) of high technological appliances. (wrong word. An appliance is a machine in the house such as a washing machine, dryer, stove, refrigerator or room air conditioner.) Nevertheless, this trend also has its minus points such as job insecurity (You have contradicted yourself. You wrote that people work for themselves because of job insecurity in companies. You will lose a lot of points if you contradict your own argument.) and unrivalry (wrong word. ) to large enterprises.

Please help me review my essay!! Nowadays many people are self-employed instead of working in a company. Why might this be the case? What are some disadvantages to this?

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