Please help me review my essay and what bandscore will i get

Topic:

The bar chart below shows the percentage of unemployed graduates, aged 20-24, in one European country over a two-year period.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and making comparisons where relevant.

My essay:

The given picture displays the proportions of the non-occupation graduated students from 20 to 24 years old examined in a particular European nation over a two-year timescale.

Looking at the graph it is immediately evident that within the period the rate of unemployed male graduates experienced a vigorous growth, a similar pattern was also seen in that of the females'. Throughout the timespan, the most significant joblessness rate was recorded in the male graduated students' figure by October 09.

In 2008, a negligible drop was seen in the men's unemployment proportion, leaving this figure at 7% in April. This figure skyrocketed to 16% in October 2008. The women's counterpart exhibited an akin trend that gradually reduced to 6% then rose in excess of 10%.

By January 2009, the rate that unemployed males accounted for was 17%. This is followed by a fluctuation of around 17% for the next 7 months then eventually hit a peak of 23% at the end of the year. Contrarily, the females' figure started at 11% then nosedived to only north of 6%. Afterward, this proportion underwent an increasing trend then maintained this status quo till October 2009 when it made up for 14%.