Please help me review and evaluate my essay for an IELTS Writing task 2. Many thanks!

Question: People think that money is the most important factor in promoting happiness? Do you think people can be happy without money? What other factors contribute towards happiness?

Solution:

There is a range of people in society that believe that money is the major contributing element in creating happiness to life. The others, however, think that one still can feel happy when they have little money. In my opinion, money does play a necessary part but other factors of life can play a more vital role in bringing happiness.

To begin with, some people believe that the fulfillment of materialistic things can bring them happiness. They spend all of their life making money because for them, life without money will be sorrowful. For instance, the families whose kids want to develop their talents overseas, by wealth, these families can buy happiness for their kids. Another example is of people whose happiness is spending money such as wearing branded clothes, having expensive dining, travelling to different places and so on. It can be seen that without money, happiness is very difficult to obtain for them.

Others, contrastly, do not believe that they are dissatisfied without money. Some people are too busy with their jobs to have time to catch up with their friends and families. All they need to do to be happy is engage with the people they care about since it provides them internal happiness and satisfaction. Moreover, the other way that people can obtain happiness is through their goodness. For example, students do volunteer work which has no money but the reward of helping and bringing luck to others may create their own happiness.

Finally, being surrounded by loving and sharing people is another approach to gain happiness. While money is crucial in bringing pleasurement and enjoyment, knowing that there is someone who cares about us is more fortunate and precious than any amount of money.

In conclusion, money is important but it is not the only vital factor in creating happiness. The world would be a better place if people all know that family and love give true happiness which can not be bought by money.