Please help me out with my writing Ielts task 2. Thank you so much.

Question

In countries where there is high unemployment, most pupils should be offered only primary education. There is no point in offering secondary education to those who will have no hope of finding a job. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Essay:

For a country, education is one of the most essential aspects, which contributes to the development of that country in particular and the growth of the world in general. We should understand that education is a cause and high unemployment is a result. The more education people have, the better the society is. Thus, it is unreasonable to stop offering secondary education for the students only because of the country’s unemployment rate. Personally, I do not concur this statement.

First of all, education provides us the most fundamental thing in human life: knowledge. Students learn a lot from school, from primary to advanced lessons, and most of these knowledge serve our daily lives. Building the house, driving the car, cooking or whatever, they are all demanding for the knowledge. Without it, the variety of jobs will disappear as there is no one having an eligible education to do, which will cause a higher unemployment rate. Not only about the knowledge, the students also learn about many other important skills at school. We know how to solve the problems, how to collaborate with others or how to be self-directed. Studying helps us to realize what is true and what is false. Studying is to complete ourselves both physically and mentally.

Offering secondary or higher education not only benefits the individuals but also their countries. A country has many sides to be a complete nation: politics, economy, culture, government,... And all of these require studying to be done. We cannot deny the importance of knowledge, especially at present. In this unstoppably developing world, it is mandatory for people to have an extension of understanding based on the growth of the world in order to cooperate or have diplomatic affairs with foreign countries. Knowledge offers an opportunity for a country to enhance its own value and its people’ standard of living. Stopping students from studying higher is against the development of the world.

In conclusion, I do not agree with the idea that we should not allow students to study secondary education. Students are the key element of the country in the future. If the unemployment rate is high, the government should take education as a priority of the country, offer extra courses for students to improve themselves and make an effort to bring education to children who cannot reach.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

You wrote nearly 390 words. The minimum is 250. You will not lose points for writing more; however, longer essays generally do not get high scores. There are many reasons.

First, the longer the essay, the more chances you have to make errors, and you will lose points for each of those errors.

Second, your writing may be repetitious and wordy. This will cost you points in task completion or coherence and cohesion.

Third, you will likely stray off-topic, and examiners will deduct points if you are not focused on the topic. You will also be tempted to use weak or unsound arguments or even contradict yourself. Develop just two or three argument points with examples.

Fourth, you will take a lot of time writing, and not have time left over to proofread your essay. You will miss the silly mistakes, and that lowers your score.

Fifth, you will not have enough time to spend on Task 1, and get a lower score there.

Aim to write around 270 words for Task 2. Practice writing a lot of essays so you get a feeling for the length.

For a country, education is one of the most essential aspects, (no comma) which contributes to the development of that country in particular and the growth of the world in general. We should understand that education is a cause (Cause of what?) and high unemployment is a result. The more education people have, the better the society is. Thus, it is unreasonable to stop offering secondary education for the students only because of the country’s unemployment rate. Personally, I do not concur with this statement.

Your first paragraph is too long and even begins an argument point. The introduction must be limited to a statement of the topic and your thesis statement.

You did not really understand the topic. It is not about closing existing schools, but investing in new ones.

Here is an example

In poor and underdeveloped countries, children are not required to attend secondary school, so many drop out when they have no skills except very basic reading, writing and arithmetic. Some people argue that mandating every child to get twelve years of education is a waste since there are no companies that will hire them. I completely disagree since education is of paramount importance for economic development.

First of all, education provides us the most fundamental thing in human life: knowledge. Students learn a lot from school, from primary to advanced lessons, and most of what they learn these knowledge (wrong phrase) serves them in their ~~our~~ daily lives. (Your use of pronouns is inconsistent.) Building a ~~the~~ house, driving a ~~the~~ car, cooking or whatever, they are all demanding ~~for the~~ knowledge. Without it, the variety of jobs will disappear (You did not understand this topic. ) as there is no one having an eligible education to do, (unnatural) which will cause a higher unemployment rate. ~~Not only~~ Besides academic subjects, ~~about the knowledge~~, the students also learn about many other important skills at school. They We know how to solve ~~the~~ problems, how to collaborate with others and or how to be self-directed. Studying helps them us to ~~realize~~ distinguish what is true and what is false. ~~Studying is to complete ourselves both physically and mentally.~~

Offering secondary or higher education not only benefits the individuals but also their countries. A country has many sides to be a complete nation: politics, economy, culture, government,... (Do not use ellipses in formal essays.) And all of these require ~~studying~~ education to be done effectively. ~~We cannot deny the importance of knowledge, especially at present.~~ (repetitious) In this unstoppably developing world, it is mandatory for people to have an extension of understanding based on the growth of the world (That makes no sense.) in order to cooperate or have diplomatic affairs with foreign countries. Knowledge offers an opportunity for a country to enhance its own value and its people’ standard of living. ~~Stopping students from studying higher is against the development of the world.~~ (You did not understand the topic. )

In conclusion, I do not agree with the idea that we should not allow students to study secondary education. (You did not understand the topic. It is about the availability of schooling, not the permissions to go there.) Students are the key element of the country in the future. If the unemployment rate is high, the government should take education as a priority of the country, offer extra courses for students to improve themselves and make an effort to bring education to children who cannot reach.(That does not make sense.)

Please help me out with my writing Ielts task 2. Thank you so much.

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