Please help me highlight my IELTS writing mistakes. I need band 5

Topic: Research has shown that overeating is as harmful as smoking. Therefore, the advertising of certain food products should be banned in the same way as the advertising of cigarettes is banned. Do you agree or disagree?

It is generally believed that the drawbacks of overeating cause similar drawbacks like smoking, as a result, the food and tobacco commercial should be prohibited. I personal disagree with this.

Consuming a large numbers of food bring in several benefits for human's health like smoking. Watching these food advertising give foodies a chance to desire and trying new flavor and as a result, they tend to buy more products than they really need. Hence, eating variety of food at the same time can easily to get obese which lead to other diseases like heart attack, high blood pressure, diabetes. For instance, people who enjoy too much candy maybe suffer diabetes which is one of the most weird diseases like lung cancer or sore throat cause by smoking.

However, there is no evidence to prove that these food advertising will make customer overeating. Food advertising do not affect eater's habit in someway mainly because every eater have their own preference. Therefore, inhibiting these food commercial seem are not reasonable method to decline eater appetite. In addition, advertising is one of the fastest way that food manufacture consider to present their products to consumers, then buyer can get in trouble when buying food because they will not be informed about products they want to buy. Hence, without food commercial can decrease the level of selling products and miniature manufacture food marketing.

In conclusion, for the reasons mentioned above, I not approve that government should not forbid food advertising because there is no direct relation between overeating and food advertising.

Thank you very much ~