Please help me fix this essay. Thank you so much

Question

Topic: some people say history is one of the most important school subjects. Other people think that, in today's world subject like science and technology are kore important than history?

Discuss your both views and give your opinion.

My answer:

Some people say that history plays a vital role in school. In opposite, some argue students nowadays tend to prefer studying subjects like Science and Technology. In my opinion, these subjects are important that students should learn in school.

On the one hand, many people think it would be better for students if they study history. Firstly, each individual need to know about their origins as well as their ancestors. It would be extremely ridiculous that a influencer of society does not know about what they come from, and how they have a chance to live in a peaceful today's world. Secondly, by learning this field, people are likely to form a good personality from the early age. Through lecture of history, teenagers are taught how to express their respect to the old generation who devoted to bring the peace to them. As the result, the young would try their best to make bigger contribution to country, and make it more thriving which is worth it for the efforts that the ancestors gave in the past.

On the other hand, it is argue that science and technology are much more essential in education. This can be explained that in the day and age, the two fields play indispensable role in the development of human. From that, youngsters should equipped themselves with plenty of knowledge about these to avoid being old-fashion or even eliminated. For example, after graduation, without knowing any soft skills on computers, graduated students would fail to apply for a good job. Another aspect is by investing more in science and technology, there would be more smart inventions released which help to enhance the quality of living standard of mankind in long-term.

In conclusion, I believe that history and science, technology are necessary for students to study in school.

Poster · Accepted Answer

Dreamer Club subject

This is a singular countable noun and as such requires and article. Or did you mean plural?

Dreamer ClubDiscuss your both views

https://www.google.com/search?hl=uk&tbo=p&tbm=bks&q=%22Discuss+both+views%22&num=10

Dreamer Club in school

"In school" usually means physically inside the building, while "at school" is more general.

Dreamer ClubIn opposite

https://ielts-simon.com/ielts-help-and-english-pr/2019/03/ielts-grammar-byin-contrast-and-on-the-contrary.html

"In opposite" is not used as a stand-alone phrase.

https://www.google.com/search?q=%22in%20opposite%22&tbm=bks&lr=lang_en

Dreamer Club these subjects

Which subjects? The reference is unclear.

Dreamer Clubthese subjects are important that students should learn

It is important for student to learn....

Dreamer Clubwould be better for students if they study

would ..... studied

Dreamer Clubeach individual need

"Each" is singular and requires a singular form of the verb.

Dreamer Clubextremely ridiculous

utterly ridiculous

Dreamer Cluba influencer of society

Not a normal English phrase: what do you mean? Would need "an" not "a".

Dreamer Clubto live in a peaceful today's world.

to live peacefully in today's world ??

Dreamer Clubfrom the early age.

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=from+the+early+age%2C+from+an+early+age&case_insensitive=on&year_start=1960&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t4%3B%2Cfrom%20the%20early%20age%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bfrom%20the%20early%20age%3B%2Cc0%3B%3BFrom%20the%20early%20age%3B%2Cc0%3B.t4%3B%2Cfrom%20an%20early%20age%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bfrom%20an%20early%20age%3B%2Cc0%3B%3BFrom%20an%20early%20age%3B%2Cc0

Dreamer ClubThrough lecture of history

Through history lectures ? Or "by listening to history lectures" ? Or "by learning/studying history" ?

Dreamer Clubwho devoted to bring the peace

who were devoted to bringing peace

Dreamer Clubto make bigger contribution to country

to make a bigger contribution to their country

Dreamer Clubit is argue that

it is argued that

Dreamer Clubin the day and age

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=in+the+day+and+age%2C+in+this+day+and+age&case_insensitive=on&year_start=1960&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t4%3B%2Cin%20the%20day%20and%20age%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bin%20the%20day%20and%20age%3B%2Cc0%3B%3BIn%20the%20day%20and%20age%3B%2Cc0%3B.t4%3B%2Cin%20this%20day%20and%20age%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bin%20this%20day%20and%20age%3B%2Cc0%3B%3BIn%20this%20day%20and%20age%3B%2Cc0

Dreamer Clubplay indispensable role

Missing article.

Dreamer Clubin the development of human

Dreamer ClubFrom that,

Hence, OR Thus,

Dreamer Clubyoungsters should equipped themselves

Malformed verb

Dreamer Clubgraduated students

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=graduate+students%2C+graduated+students&case_insensitive=on&year_start=1960&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t4%3B%2Cgraduate%20students%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bgraduate%20students%3B%2Cc0%3B%3BGraduate%20students%3B%2Cc0%3B%3BGraduate%20Students%3B%2Cc0%3B.t4%3B%2Cgraduated%20students%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bgraduated%20students%3B%2Cc0%3B%3BGraduated%20Students%3B%2Cc0%3B%3BGraduated%20students%3B%2Cc0

Dreamer Clubenhance the quality of living standard

You need to make it clearer in the introduction and conclusion (and indeed throughout) that in your view all three topics are equally important. There are issues with articles, singular vs plural, and verb forms scattered throughout, so this is one area which needs more work. There are also issues with using normal English phraseology, which would also drop your score, although it is possible to follow the general line of your argument. In my experience you will need extensive reading around likely topics to expand your knowledge of natural English, in order to achieve and acceptable result. This will take many months of research on your part.

Please help me fix this essay. Thank you so much

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