PLEASE HELP ME FEEDBACK THIS ESSAY!! MANY THANKS!

Question

The bar chart below shows the numbers of male and female research students studying six computer science subjects at a US university in 2011. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

View the bar chart: https://www.upsieutoc.com/image/f8bFNp

My essay:

The bar graph illustrates how many research students in both genders at an US university chose different computer science subjects in 2011.

Overall, four among six subjects being psychology, engineering, programming and mathematics were more preferred by male than the remaining sex while the opposite was observed in linguistics. Meanwhile, both genders shared the similar figures of natural science.

With regards to male choices of subjects, ranking first were psychology, natural science and mathematics with 200 boys registering. Just trailing behind were engineering and programming sharing the equal number of male of 150 whereas coming in the last place was linguistics which was chosen by only half of male asked in the report.

Looking at the opposite sex, at the top position was natural science, selected by 200 female students and it was followed by psychology with its figure being 20 students lower than the first place. Next come linguistics with just above 100 students enrolling and slight below was engineering. The third and bottom position were held by programming and mathematics respectively with the number of female learners being under 70 and 50.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Please read my advice for Task 1 essays. You make the usual mistakes.

IELTS TASK 1: Hints, Tips And Advice

Vocabulary Words For Task 1: Reference Post

The bar graph (inaccurate) illustrates (Inappropriate word. "Illustrate" refers to a picture. Use this for process flows, maps and other "picture" types of diagrams. Use "gives, plots, compares and shows" for figures that plot numbers.) how many research students ~~in both genders~~ (Awkward) at an US university chose (This graph does no show how the choice was made. ) different computer science subjects in 2011. (Incomplete. How many subjects are there? What are they? It is important that you present this essential information up front.)

Overall, four among six subjects being psychology, engineering, programming and mathematics were (Present the smallest category first! See my suggestion below.) more preferred by male (wrong form) than the remaining *** (Oh dear me! That is terrible.) while the opposite was observed in linguistics. Meanwhile, both genders shared the similar figures (That is a wrong word. What is a figure of natural science?) of natural science.

With regards to male choices of subjects, ranking first (Only one can be first. These are tied for first. ) were psychology, natural science and mathematics with 200 boys (Wrong word. ) registering. Just trailing behind were engineering and programming sharing the equal number of male (wrong form) of 150 whereas coming in the last place was linguistics which was chosen by only half of male (Which half of this one man - the legs or the arms and head?) asked in the report. (The instructions do not mention any report. Do not add extra information in Task 1. Also, the instructions are to "summarize and compare the main features". You did not do this. You just listed all the data values, in numerical order, in one paragraph for the males and another for females. That is not an approach that will get you a high score. )

Looking at the opposite ***, (Native speakers do not usually refer to women this way.) at the top position was natural science, selected by 200 ~~female~~ (repetitious.) ~~students~~ and it was followed by psychology ~~with its figure~~ (wrong word) ~~being~~ having 20 ~~students~~ less. ~~lower than the first place~~. Next come (Why did you switch from past to present tense?) linguistics with just above 100 students enrolling and slight (wrong form) below was engineering. The third and bottom position (wrong form, also incorrect information) were held by programming and mathematics respectively with the number of female learners (Wrong word. ) being under 70 (Imprecise. 20 is under 70, and so is 67) and 50.

Example essay. This essay is too long, with over 200 words, but it gives you ideas on how to compare, contrast and summarize. It also gives some vocabulary words you can use for similar task 1 essays.

The bar chart compares the numbers of men versus women who were enrolled in one of six computer science specializations at a US university in 2011. These subjects are linguistics, natural sciences, psychology, engineering, programming and mathematics.

Overall, men strongly outnumbered women in these subjects, 980 to 700. Linguistics was the only subject which had more women than men, and there was one other subject, natural science, which was composed of half men and half women. In every other discipline, particularly mathematics, men dominated women.

The subject with the largest class size was natural sciences, with an enrollment of 400, 200 each of men and women. Psychology was second, with about 375, 25 fewer females than males. Mathematics, with 240 students, had the highest male:female ratio with only one women for every five men. There were twice as many men as women in programming, 150 and 75. In terms of popular choices, about sixty percent of the men chose three subjects in equal numbers (200 each): psychology, mathematics and natural sciences. In comparison, women selected natural sciences, psychology and linguistics in that order, with 200, 175 and 120 respectively. Linguistics, where the number of women exceeded men also had the smallest class size (about 210), which was a little over half that of the largest, natural sciences.

PLEASE HELP ME FEEDBACK THIS ESSAY!! MANY THANKS!

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