Please help me evaluate my Ielts Writing task 1 essay

Question

The bar chart illustrates the number of incidents and injuries that occurred on 5 different means of transport in 2002. Units are measured in 100 million passenger miles travelled.

Overall, it is clear that the numbers of incidents and injuries were highest in Demand Response. By contrast, Commuter Rail experienced the lowest figures.

There were 225 incidents and 173 injuries in Demand Response, while Bus recorded the second-highest figure with 76 incidents and 66 injuries. Light Rail had an equal number of incidents with Bus but its injury number was significantly lower at 39. Heavy Rail got fever cases of incidents and injuries than Light Rail with 51 and 35 respectively. Finally, the lowest figures were account for Commuter Rail with 10 incidents and 17 injuries.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The bar chart illustrates (poor word choice. Use illustrate for pictures, maps, diagrams and flow charts. It is not good for plots and graphs.) the number of incidents and injuries that occurred on 5 five (If a small number is not a data value, write it in words.) different means of transport in 2002. ( Your paragraph is incomplete. What are the five modes of transport? Also you can note that private vehicles are excluded. All these types are public transportation,) ~~Units~~ Numbers per 100 million passenger miles travelled (PMT) are given / shown / plotted ~~measured~~ in

Overall, ~~it is clear that~~ (Delete. Avoid these dummy-it clauses. They have no information content. Focus on reporting the data. ) the numbers of incidents and injuries were highest for in Demand Response. (The reader is very confused because you have not told them what the other types are. Higher compared to what???) By contrast, Commuter Rail ~~experienced~~ (Wrong word. Numbers do not have experiences. They do ne see things, either.) has the lowest ~~figures~~. (wrong word)

There were 225 incidents and 173 injuries in Demand Response, while Bus recorded the second-highest ~~figure~~ with 76 incidents and 66 injuries. Light Rail had ~~an equal~~ the same number of incidents as ~~with~~ Bus but its injury number was significantly lower at 39. Heavy Rail had ~~got~~ fever (wrong word) cases of incidents and injuries than Light Rail with 51 and 35 respectively. Finally, the lowest ~~figures~~ were account (wrong expression) for Commuter Rail with 10 incidents and 17 injuries.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Sample essay;

Examiners give the highest scores to writers who do not just copy numbers from the graph to the essay. You get much higher marks for combining categories and doing some elementary math in your comparisons. In this example, you can combine the three types of rail into one higher-level category. Also, you can compute the ratio of injuries to incidents. That is a significant measure of safety.

The bar chart plots the numbers of incidents and injuries that occurred per 100 million passenger miles travelled (PMT) in 2002 for five types of public transportation. Three types of rail are shown, commuter rail, heavy rail and light rail, along with bus and demand response.

Overall, demand response had the worst accident record and rail transport was the safest, especially commuter rail. There were more incidents than injuries for every type.

In detail, for rail transportation, light rail had 50% more incidents than heavy rail, (75 versus 50), but the number of injuries were about the same, about 30. Commuter rail had the best record, 25 incidents and 20 injuries; however its ratio of injuries to incidents was the worst of all types of transport. Bus transport was comparable in safety to light rail, with the same number of incidents (75), although it had much worse incident-to-injury ratio (75:60 versus 75:40 for light rail). The most accident-prone mode was demand response, which had ten times as many incidents as commuter rail (250 versus 25), and more than eight times the number of injuries (170 versus 20).

Please help me evaluate my Ielts Writing task 1 essay

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