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Elijah Tarofalmal Posted 14 years ago
Letter Writing

Please Help me edit my letter..

Dear Sir I am currently pursuing my Bachelor degree in Biological Science in the School of Marine Science of Zhejiang Ocean University. I wish to apply for the Master program in Marine Biology at this school for the year 2012. I believe that the program is a concrete step toward my future goals and continuance of my immense interest in the realm of Marine Biology. I am now in my last term at the university, resolutely working hard toward the completion of my Bachelor thesis research with an emphasis on Marine Biology. I have been, in the past, engaged in the field of Marine Science and fascinated by many characteristics of the Ocean. In 2006-2008, I was the winner of Micronesia Challenge (a challenge among many nations in the pacific to conserve 30% of marine resources and 20% terrestrial by 2020) Champions Interns among many competitive and talented applicants. I was offered a two-year scholarship to contend for both the terrestrial and the marine environment throughout the entire region of Micronesia. In the middle of the internship, I received another scholarship from Alaska, U. S. A. to broaden my experience in Marine Science in Alaskan Fishery Industries. Subsequently, I was awarded a certificate from the government of Federated States of Micronesia (FSM) and The Nature Conservancy (an international NGO) for recognition of my participation and contribution in successfully developing measures of effectiveness and communication of the Micronesia Challenge. During my College years, I have worked determinedly along with my instructors in conducting marine field work, assessing the health of coral reefs and coastal environments in Pohnpei, Micronesia, and participating in forum discussions on fishery stability. My recent research under Dr. Yongjiu Chen’s supervision has further grown my enthusiasm and affection with marine ecosystems and societal culture of Zhoushan. Being in the Ocean University and Zhoushan for about two years, I have become to realize that this area share a similar environment with my own country and has a cultural tie with my background of ocean. I anticipate a better future for myself at this university if I can be advanced to the Master program in Marine Biology. In particular, I want to focus my attention on research of marine species diversity. Species diversity is not only important for the marine ecosystem health, but also related to the human well-being. The characteristic of land and seascapes of thousands of islands in Zhoushan form unique features of the ocean. Additionally, I enjoy the friendly, vigorous academic environment in the school which constantly inspires me to pursue my higher goals. All these positives attributes make me optimistic and motivated to my decision. In closing, I am confident that I will contribute a higher level of energy and passion to this community. I am literal to work diligently to meet the expectations of Marine Biology Master Program. My experience of tropical marine background in Micronesia will certainly add diversity to the program, and help develop mutual research and educational interests in Marine Sciences between the two universities, the College of Micronesia and Zhejiang Ocean University. Thank you very much for considering my application. I look forward to hearing from you. Sincerely, Elijah Tarofalmal
  

Top answer

Hi, Here is a quick overall comment. In English, it is very important to write in paragraphs. Many people who see a letter consisting of just one enormous paragraph like this will immediately think that the writer is a person who is unable to organize their thoughts and their various points clearly.

  • Hi, Here is a quick overall comment.
  • In English, it is very important to write in paragraphs.
  • Many people who see a letter consisting of just one enormous paragraph like this will immediately think that the writer is a person who is unable to organize their thoughts and their various points clearly.
  • Note that it's not enough to simply divide your text into paragraphs arbitrarily.
  • Each paragraph has to address a new and clear point that is related to your overall topic or purpose.
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2 Answers
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Hi,

Here is a quick overall comment.

In English, it is very important to write in paragraphs. Many people who see a letter consisting of just one enormous paragraph like this will immediately think that the writer is a person who is unable to organize their thoughts and their vari
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Hello Mr. Clive, thank you very much for responding.
The following shows exactly how my letter structured in M-S word. Somehow, it changed into a one whole huge paragraph after pasting it here.

Dear Sir
I am currently pursuing my Bachelor degree in Biological Science in the School of Marine Science of Zhejiang Ocean University. I wish to apply for the Master program in Marine Bio

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