Please help me correct this essay ( Ielts writing task 2)

Topic:

Violence in media promotes violence in society.

What extent do you agree?

My topic:

As a matter of fact, violence-related issues have been an increasing problem. Many people take a view that violence in media leads to that in society. As far as I am concerned, although violence in coverage can be cited as a culprit of this issue, other factors are to blame as well.

It is true that the rising level of social evils stems from media coverage of violence. As a negative side of technological advanced, there are variety media resources such as movie, news or the Internet whose content can be considered violence. A free to access to those sources can put temptation in people’s way, especially adolescent. On the basis that juveniles are unlikely to be able to gain mentally prepared for such content, they can easy experience overjoy feeling, what’s more, their desire to try things out will be overwhelming. As a consequence, they can replicate the style of violence they encounter in the media. Research recently has shown that a large quantity of juvenile delinquency are resulted from the imitation TV heroes.

Nevertheless, it should be noticed that other resources also contribute the increase in social violence. The first cause of concern is the lack of parental support. A large majority of disturbed children tend to be anti-social and exhibit violent behaviors as a way to capture attention. On the grounds of being neglected by their parents, children might act out of hatred and turn into violence individuals. Another common cause regards traumatic events in one’s life. A person turning over a new but bad leaf after a disastrous, shocking incident can fall into this case. This can be exemplified by the case that a great number of girls fights results from a broken relationship or a triangle love affair. The core of the problem lies in the change of mindset as people experience these traumatic events.

All in all, while there are adverse impacts from media violence, it would be a more holistic observation to cite parenting problems and traumatic events as culprits as well.