Please help me correct the personal statement

Hi all

The following is a personal statement I helped a friend of mine to write. She intends to use this to apply for a lead position in an orchestra. Please help her to correct this piece of writing and give some advice as to how we can make it more appealing to the examiner.

Thank you very much

My name is I-jung Liu. I was born in 1983 in Chia-yi, Taiwan. Ever since I was a child, my parents had dedicated much of their time and energy to ensuring that I was raised to be a cultured individual, with knowledge and skills in music, dance as well as art. I was brought up in a heartwarming environment known to me as home, where the bond between the parents and the child has always been highly valued.



I graduated with a major in flute performance. Apart from my major, I also enjoy cooking and painting in my leisure time. As soon as I finished my high school education, I went to Paris to further my music education at Ecole Normale de Musique de Paris, under the guidance of the professional flutist Shegenori Kudo. During my stay in France, I was a member of an orchestra consisting solely of overseas students from Taiwan. And with the orchestra, I also took part in various music and cultural events organized by the Taipei Representative Office in France and some local Taiwanese-owned businesses. Some of the events were organized with the idea of promoting Taiwanese folk music.



Moreover, I was a volunteer at a local Tzu Chi division whilst working part-time in a bakery. It was through activities such as voluntary community service, caring for the elderly and those in need, and learning the sign language that had made my 6 years stay in France so fulfilling and rewarding. I later received Diplome Supérieur de Concertiste de Flûte in April 2008.



My personal concert was held in 2005 at Saint-Bernard Church. Having received positive feedbacks and praises from the audience, attention was drawn from MacTV (Taiwan Macroview Television, a television broadcaster based in Taiwan) and the event was covered in its television news programme.



In November 2007, I was included in the main competition event of Concours International de Flûte Maxence Larrieu. In December the same year, I entered Concours Europeen de Musique en Picardie and was awarded first prize in the Supérieur division. In March 2009, I gave recitals both at the National Concert Hall of Chiang Kai-shek Cultural Center, Taipei and at the Performance Hall of Douliou Cultural Affairs Department.