Please help me correct my Ielts writing task 2 . Thank you very much.

Question

Large companies use sports events to promote their products. Some people think it has a negative impact on sports. To what extent do you agree or disagree?Over the last year, big corporations have used sporting events to market their products. Some think that this type of advertising may be harmful, while others believe it is beneficial. In my opinion, I do agree with this sentiment since corporations promote products that enable a sedentary lifestyle. On the one hand, large companies can promote their products during those events, which can encourage an active lifestyle. For example, Brazuca, Adidas's official tournament ball, was heavily promoted on social media sites such as Twitter and Instagram during the 2014 World Cup. The ball was so popular at the time that Adidas decided to produce an increasing number of them which was eventually sold out in Adidas stores worldwide. This encouraged and continues to impact the exercise habits of millions of people all around the world. Therefore, corporate sponsorship of sports events can have a significant positive impact on sales. On the other hand, more frequently than it seems, corporations have been seen promoting their products during sporting events that encourage sedentary behavior. For instance, there was a McDonald's restaurant promoting its menu at the London Olympics in 2012. Their exclusive brand menu included hamburgers, fries, and milkshakes during the event. According to WHO (World Health Organization), each item on the menu had an average calorie count of more than 900 calories. An entire meal could contain upwards of 3600 calories. This can lead to obesity as a result because it is near twice the recommended intake for the average adult. Moreover, some other sports events even use companies that produce products that have a negative impact on people and society, such as alcohol and tobacco companies to be the sponsors. Therefore, When young individuals are exposed to those advertisements, they are more likely to have a good impression of the items and begin to use them.In conclusion, while there have been examples of businesses having a beneficial impact on sports through product marketing, the evidence to the reverse is more compelling. Sporting event organizers should be more selective in choosing sponsors in the future, favoring those with items that promote a meaningful message.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Over the last year, (The task made no time limitations. Be careful of changing the task.) Big corporations have used sporting events, such as the Olympic Games, to market their products. Some think that this type of advertising may be harmful, while others believe it is beneficial. In my opinion, I do agree (You need an adverb of extent if you want to precisely answer the question.) with this sentiment (This refers to the nearest one preceding, which is "beneficial". So you completely agree that advertisements supporting a sedentary lifestyle are beneficial.) since corporations promote products that enable a sedentary lifestyle.

But you completely are off topic. Here is the topic: Some people think it has a negative impact on sports.

The question is about the negative or beneficial impact on sports, not on the people who are watching the games in person or on TV. It is not about the positive or negative impact on the companies that are advertising their products.

So your essay will lose a lot of points for two reasons: 1) You did not write about the topic. 2) You contradicted yourself by saying it is positive in the introduction and negative in the conclusion. 3) You went off-topic again by giving a recommendation or solution when there is no prompt for that in the task.

Even native English speakers get disappointing marks because they do not read the task carefully, and do not focus exactly on the task.

On the one hand, large companies can promote their products during those events, which can encourage an active lifestyle. For example, Brazuca, Adidas's official tournament ball, was heavily promoted on social media sites such as Twitter and Instagram during the 2014 World Cup. The ball was so popular at the time that Adidas decided to produce an increasing number of them and they all ~~which was~~ eventually sold out in Adidas stores worldwide. This encouraged and continues to impact the exercise habits of millions of people all around the world. Therefore, corporate sponsorship of sports events can have a significant positive impact on sales.

On the other hand, more frequently than it seems, corporations have been seen promoting their products during sporting events that encourage sedentary behavior. For instance, there was a McDonald's restaurant promoting its menu at the London Olympics in 2012. Their ~~exclusive brand~~ menu included hamburgers, fries, and milkshakes during the event. (Were people supposed to eat this while watching the games?) According to WHO (World Health Organization), each item on the menu had an average calorie count of more than 900 calories. An entire meal could contain upwards of 3600 calories. This can lead to obesity as a result because it is near twice the recommended intake for the average adult. (Off-topic) Moreover, some other sports events even use companies that produce products that have a negative impact on people and society, (Off-topic) such as alcohol and tobacco companies to be the sponsors. Therefore, When young individuals are exposed to those advertisements, they are more likely to have a good impression of the items and begin to use them.

In conclusion, while there have been examples of businesses having a beneficial impact on sports (What are the benefits for the Olympic Games or the Football teams? You did not give any in your body paragraphs.) through product marketing, the evidence to the reverse is more compelling. ~~Sporting event organizers should be more selective in choosing sponsors in the future, favoring those with items that promote a meaningful message~~. (The task did not ask for a solution or recommendation. That is going off-topic, in a different way.)

Please help me correct my Ielts writing task 2 . Thank you very much.

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