Please help me correct my ielts writing task 2
My topic: Topic: Some people believe that children should be allowed to watch whatever they want on television or online, while others think that parents should control what their children watch. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
My esay:
The main duty of parents is upbringing the children, including giving them education and advice. And one of those first lessons is which shows they are allowed to watch on the TV. And this lesson is advocated by many people. However, the others believe that children should be free to watch whatever they like. In my opinion, it is better for children to watch TV under supervisor of parents.
On the one hand, there are many shows on the television or the internet that contains adult or aged-inappropriate contents. These shows are labeled with the tag R-18 and too harmful for the children to watch. They contains tons of violence or bloody scenes, words that are not suitable to say in the public. If the kids saw these TV or Internet programs by chance, without the perspective of right and wrong, they would simply think that these actions are allowed by the adult, and they easily to do the same thing without noticing the risks of doing that. For example, many youtubers doing pranks on the pedestrians , but the kids who watching those channels do not know that these actions are just pretending, and they can learn and do that to their friends , which can lead to unpredicted consequences.
On the other hand, with the timely advice from the parents, kids can stay out of those age-inappropriate programs. Parents can instill in them the basics of right and wrong, which can help to have the knowledge about dangerous or risky of the actions on the TV can bring back. Moreover, the parents should control the show that the children are allowed to watch. This can be achieved by allowing kids to watch TV only when they are staying with the parents. Or simply they can use functions of smart TV to set up a bunch of programs which are not suitable for the young mind.
In conclusion, it is better to let the children watch TV under supervisors of the adult or else it can lead to awful and irreversible consequences
Top answer
Overall, your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, two main body paragraphs discussing both views, and a conclusion that presents your opinion. Your arguments are relevant and well-supported with examples. However, there are a few language and grammar issues that you can improve.
- Overall, your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, two main body paragraphs discussing both views, and a conclusion that presents your opinion.
- Your arguments are relevant and well-supported with examples.
- However, there are a few language and grammar issues that you can improve.
- Here are my suggested corrections: In the introduction, the sentence "And this lesson is advocated by many people" is not necessary and can be removed.
- " I hope these suggestions are helpful.
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Overall, your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, two main body paragraphs discussing both views, and a conclusion that presents your opinion. Your arguments are relevant and well-supported with examples.
However, there are a few language and grammar issues that you can improve. Here are my suggested corrections:
- In the introduction, the sentence "And this lesson
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