Please help me correct my ielts writing task 2

Question

Topic: As well as making money, businesses also have social responsibilities. To what extent do you agree or disagree? My essayAlong with making money, there is a strong belief that companies have to invest on society too. Although making money seems to be vital, I strongly confirm the later statement.On one hand, making money is the top priority for every businesses all over the world. Money is the key to every problem, without money people can achieve not thing. You must earn as much money as possible first in order to develop the business and then that is the time for you to put effort into another category such as the social responsibilities. For example, if you want to donate for a charity, but you have insufficient money, yon can do not thing but ask for money from the custo:mers.On the other hand, not only is earning is important but also investing effort in to developing the company’s images too. And the easiest way to achieve that is social responsibilities. And what is social responsibilities. First, taking care for the customers. For examples, nowadays customers usually care for the organic and clean products. As a result, the companies should prepare the product which is labeled as 100% organic. This is a way to develop the image of the business and push the profit, too. Second, treating the employees with all your heart. Paying them a living wage and extra bonus, caring for their working environment. These simple actions will help the companies attract more young workforce and will help the company to become an ideal place for everybody to come for working. This also means that the publicity is increasing. Finally, contributing for the social life in the local place such as donating money, building schools and streets. With these actions, the business will earn a huge followers and customers and easily to become well-known. If the companies focus too much on earning and paying little care on social responsibilities, they will easily become a dead one.In brief, earning money and social obligations is the two most things that should be on the to-do list for every businesses.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Along with making money, there is a strong belief that companies have to make contributions to the community. ~~invest on society~~ (Not a good phrase.) too. Although making money seems to be (Probably it is, not "seems") vital, I strongly confirm the later (wrong word - later is the opposite of earlier. e.g. I will come later on.) statement. (There is one statement. If you use "former/latter" there have to be two statements. Also, avoid these words - they interrupt the reader's progress and damage the coherence and cohesion. )

You did not answer the essay prompt clearly. The examiner is looking for an answer to this question: To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is good to know a good handful of adverbs of extent because this is a very common prompt in IELTS Task 2 essays.

Complete agreement / disagreement:
------------

completely
fully
totally
wholeheartedly
unreservedly
with no reservations
without reservation
unequivocally
unquestionably
with no hesitation
unconditionally

You do not have the advanced writing skills for a "partial" agreement. You have to be consistently writing at band score 7.5 or higher to successfully write a "partly agree" essay. Take one side - total agreement or total disagreement and write two body paragraphs for your answer.

On one hand, (Wrong transition phrase for an Agree/Disagree essay. This is for a "discuss both views" essay or "advantages/disadvantages.. )

This paragraph argues against your agreement that businesses must have a social responsibility. It is not good for your "task response" score. You have to convince the reader that your view is the best option. You have two write two reasons why companies have social responsibilities. Put one reason in each paragraph and give examples.

making money is the top priority for every businesses (wrong form) all over the world. Money is the key to every problem, (wrong punctuation. Comma splice error) without money people can achieve not (wrong word) thing. ~~You~~ (wrong word) Companies must earn as much money as possible first in order to develop the business and then that is the time for them ~~you~~ (wrong pronoun) to put effort into secondary / discretionary / non-essential endeavors ~~another category~~ such as the social responsibilities. For example, if ~~you~~ they want to donate to ~~for~~ (wrong word) a charity, but ~~you~~ have insufficient money, yon can do not thing (wrong expression) but ask for money from the custo:mers.

On the other hand, not only is earning is important but also investing effort in to developing the company’s images too. And the easiest way to achieve that is social responsibilities. And what is (wrong verb form) social responsibilities. (wrong punctuation) First, taking care for (wrong word) the customers. (That is not a social responsibility. It is required to keep customers, which leads to earning more money) For examples, nowadays customers usually care for ~~the~~ organic ~~and clean~~ (wrong word) products. As a result, the companies should prepare the product which is labeled as 100% organic.(Should they be deceptive and give fake labels?) This is a way to develop the image of the business and push (wrong word) the profit, too. (Not a social responsibility) Second, treating the employees well ~~with all your heart~~. Paying them a living wage and extra bonus, caring for their working environment. (Ungrammatical. This is a fragment, not a sentence. Also, the conjunction is missing. Write complete sentence.) These simple actions will help the companies attract more young workforce (wrong word) and will help the company to become an ideal place for everybody to come for working. (wrong form) This also means that the publicity is increasing. Finally, contributing for (wrong word) the social life in the local place such as donating money, building schools and streets. (This is the only idea which is on-topic.) With these actions, the business will earn a huge followers (wrong expression. "a" is used for singular nouns. Followers is for social media. Do not use "huge." A huge person is very fat and tall.) and customers and easily to become well-known. If the companies focus too much on earning and paying little care (wrong word) on (wrong word) attention to social responsibilities, they will easily become a dead one.(wrong form)

In brief, earning money and social obligations is (wrong form) the two most things (wrong expression ungrammatical. Also it it off-topic. You need to answer the question - "To what extent do you agree?_ ) that should be on the to-do list (That does not make sense. A to-do list is for people, like shopping for groceries and picking up the child at school.) for every businesses. (wrong form)

Please help me correct my ielts writing task 2

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