Please help me correct My IELTS Writing Essay. Many thanks

Question

The bar chart illustrates data on the figure for industrial careers in tourism in one city of United Kingdom. The data is from twenty years, from 1989 to 2009, and the jobs are restaurants, hotels, sport and leisure, travel and tours.

Overall, almost of jobs in the chart had two different periodof development. They increasedinitially and then decreased. In comparison with starting year, the final year had a general decline, excepting the jobs in restaurant.

In the year 1989, the proportion of jobs in restaurant was highest, at around 1100 jobs. By contrast, the figure for careers in travel and tours was lowest, exactly 800 jobs. Approximately 1050 hotel’s jobs, compared to precisely 900 jobs in sport and leisure.

In 2009, the number of jobs in restaurant was more than 1300 jobs, a strong decline after 15 years increased continuously. Careers in hotel returned initial number after up and down periods. Alike in the year 1989, jobs in travel and tours was the smallest, roughly 410 jobs, less than jobs in sport and leisure about 240 jobs.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The bar chart illustrates (wrong word. An illustration is a drawing or picture.) data on the figure (This makes no sense. It is a jumble of words. What exactly is plotted on the chart?) for industrial (Wrong word. Industrial refers to chemical plants, automobile factories, and aircraft manufacturers.) careers (A career is different from a job. Most jobs in the service sector are not good careers.) in tourism in one city of the United Kingdom. The data is from twenty years, from 1989 to 2009, (How many data points in time?) and the jobs are restaurants, hotels, sport and leisure, travel and tours.

Model paragraph:

The number of jobs in four categories of the tourism sector for five different years between 1989 and 2009 are plotted on this bar chart. The data is from one city in the United Kingdom. The job categories are restaurant workers, hotel staff, sport and leisure jobs, and employment in travel and tours. The years shown are five-year intervals between 1989 and 2009.

Overall, almost of jobs (wrong expression. ) in the chart had two different periodof development. The numbers of workers increasedinitially and then decreased. In comparison with the starting year, the final year had a general decline, excepting the jobs in restaurant. (wrong form)

In the year 1989, the proportion (wrong word: Proportions are on pie charts and bar charts that show fractions or percentages. ) of jobs in restaurant was highest, at around 1100 jobs. By contrast, the figure (wrong word) for careers in travel and tours was lowest, exactly 800 jobs. Approximately 1050 hotel’s (wrong form) jobs, compared to precisely 900 jobs in sport and leisure.

In 2009, the number of jobs in restaurant (wrong form) was more than 1300 ~~jobs~~, a strong decline after 15 years increased continuously. (ungrammatical) Careers in hotel returned to the initial number after up and down periods. Alike in the year 1989, jobs in travel and tours was the smallest, roughly 410 jobs, less than jobs in sport and leisure about 240 jobs.

Please help me correct My IELTS Writing Essay. Many thanks

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