Please help me correct my IELTS essay task II

Topic: Some people think woman should be allowed to join the army, the navy and the air force just like man. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

It is traditionally thought that serving in military is evidently man’s responsibility. Along the development of society, this prejudice has become a source of controversy whether woman should be given a chance to enroll in army. I am not in favor of the latter opinion.

The first and foremost reason refers to requirements of physical and psychological patterns, woman is considered as the weak side in comparison to man. In term of health condition, their biological structure is naturally designed with particular limited-developing organs such as muscle. Hence, even when they practice with the same intensity and speed as a soldier on a daily basis, it is difficult for them to meet the military’s demand. In addition, female is endowed with a strong emotional state. They often act on their instinct’s advice to tackle problem instead of handling with their mental capability, which is absolutely exhibited in force’s background. For these reason, people hold widespread doubt whether woman are able to suffer significant and constant pressures in such a severe environment and whether they could keep their balance on facing enemies in the frontier.

Due to the woman’s limited physical and emotional characteristics mentioned above, it is unequal to exert an identical training system over both sexes. Necessarily, a unique program giving the weak side priority should be applied. As an obvious consequence, the strength of organization will be restricted. Otherwise, in case single-gender environment for male is created, the union in discipline in absence of any exceptions will be performed, which contributes to the process of optimizing the power of the air force. Therefore, the participation of fair sex in military is not highly welcomed.

In conclusion, there are several reasons why I thought that the permission of woman’s enrollment in army is not the wise option both for themselves and the military machine of nation.