Please help me correct my essay. Thank you so much!

Question

Some people think that the government should ensure the healthy lifestyle of people, but others argue that it should be decided by individuals. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

In this modern world, people have been commonly living accordance with their lifestyle. These people claim that the government should shift its citizens’s way of living. This essay will discuss as to why people should choose to live in their own way and the state should only change what is hazardous to communities and introduce initiatives to improve the living standard.

It is undeniable that people should be responsible for their own ways to live, which give them a sense of freedom. As a result of the process of the global integration and modernization, many habits or lifestyles have been varied among the culture around the world. For instance, some people choose to engage in sports in order to build up their physical stamina while there are others who want to collect antique items. These activities may somehow affected negatively on some aspects of their lives such as getting injured or wasting money. Overall, if people opt for living in their ways of living, they, regardless of consequences, have to entirely control their whole life instead of the state.

Conversely, the government, in order to improve and develop the positive ways of life, should enact or introduce new regulations or laws to curb the adversity caused by the unhealthy or negative lifestyle. In many countries, smoking is considered a danger to society because of their dangerous effects. In light of this, many places such as restaurant, hospital and formal meetings have banned smoking completely or even imposed severe punishment if someone violates . Furthermore, raising people’s awareness is also of paramount importance. The state can allocate their national budget to improve its education systems to educate people from walks of life to live in a healthy lifestyle. This will not only promote their physical and mental health but also prevent dangerous diseases.

In conclusion, although people can choose the way to live by themselves, they have to take responsibility of their own choices. In my opinion, the government also play an indispensable in reshaping the positive ways of life for their citizens.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

As an IELTS examiner, I would give your essay a band score of 6.5.

Your essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion, and you have addressed the question by discussing both views and presenting your opinion. However, there are areas where you can improve.

In terms of coherence and cohesion, the essay has good structure and the ideas are presented in a logical order. However, some of the sentences are too long and complex, which affects the clarity of your writing. You should aim for shorter sentences with clear and concise language.

Your grammar and vocabulary are generally good, but there are some errors and awkward phrases that can be corrected. For example, in the first sentence of your second paragraph, it should be "accordance with their own lifestyle" instead of "accordance with their lifestyle".

Overall, you have presented a balanced argument with relevant examples to support your ideas. To improve your score, focus on making your writing more concise and clear, and try to minimize errors in grammar and vocabulary.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

In this modern world, people have been commonly living accordance with their lifestyle.

Comments:

1. The sentence is a tautology. "commonly living" and "lifestyle" are synonyms, so the sentence is a logical fallacy.

2. "accordance" is wrongly used. It should be the prepositional phrase "in accordance with".

3. "In the modern world" is ok, but it is unnecessary with the present perfect tense. You do not need to begin with such an adverbial phrase.

Here is a better opening:

People today have the freedom of choosing to live they way they want, and some make very unfortunate choices such as being sedentary and consuming fast food.

These people claim that the government should shift its citizens’s way of living.

"Shift" is not the right word.

The plural possessive is incorrectly punctuated.

This essay will discuss as to why people should choose to live in their own way and the state should only change what is hazardous to communities and introduce initiatives to improve the living standard.

I advise not mentioning your essay. Write a good thesis statement to introduce the body paragraphs. Also, the task asks for an opinion. You have to give it in the introduction as part of the thesis statement. Here is an example.

Since people have many ways of living to choose from, they act according to their feelings and desires without regard to the consequences. In my opinion, the government should intervene and control the choices only when the lifestyle is dangerous or harmful.

~~It is undeniable that~~ (Avoid these dummy-it clauses. They weaken your statement. Paragraph topics need to be clear.) People should be responsible for choosing how to live their own life; that gives ~~their own ways to live, which give~~ them a sense of freedom. As a result ~~of the process~~ (verbose) of ~~the~~ global integration and modernization, many habits or lifestyles have been affected ~~varied~~ among the culture (wrong form) around the world. For instance, some people choose to engage in sports in order to build up their physical stamina while there are others who want to collect antique items. These activities may somehow ~~affected~~ (wrong verb) ~~negatively on some aspects of their lives~~ have serious undesirable consequences such as getting injured or wasting money. Overall, if people opt for living in their own way~~s of living~~, they have to understand and be responsible for anything that happens.~~, regardless of consequences,~~ ~~have to entirely control their whole life~~ ~~instead of the state~~.(That does not make any sense.)

Conversely, the government, in order to improve the standard of living and overall public health, ~~and develop the positive ways of life~~, should enact or introduce new regulations or laws to curb the ill effects ~~adversity~~ caused by ~~the~~ extremely unhealthy or reckless ~~negative~~ lifestyles. In many countries, smoking is considered a danger to society because it causes fatal diseases such as heart attacks, lung cancer and emphysema. ~~of their dangerous effects~~. In light of this, many places such as restaurant, hospital wrong form) and formal meetings have banned smoking completely and even evicts all offenders. ~~imposed severe punishment~~ if ~~someone violates~~ . (Restaurants or meeting organizers cannot punish people. They only thing they can do is ask them to leave.) Furthermore, raising people’s awareness is also of paramount importance. The state can allocate a small portion of (Not the whole budget, I hope!) their national budget to improve its education systems (Education system is only for children.) to educate people from all walks of life to ~~live in~~ elect / choose a healthy lifestyle. This will not only promote their physical and mental health but also prevent dangerous diseases.

In conclusion, although people can choose the way to live by themselves, they have to take responsibility of for their own choices. In my opinion, the government also play an indispensable (Wrong verb form . Also "indispensible" is an adjective. It needs a noun to follow.) in reshaping the positive ways of life for their citizens.

Please help me correct my essay. Thank you so much!

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