Please help me Correct and mark my IELTS Writing Essay.

Question

The bar chart gives information about the percentage of 5 – 14 -year-old Australian children’s choice in leisure activities.

Overall, the level of participating activities of boys were higher than that of girls, especially, the percentage of joining in outdoor activities.

With 100%, watching TV or videos was the most popular activity taken part in by boys. The second and third popular activities were electronic or computer games and bike riding, respectively 81% and 77%. Approximately 37%, the figure for the participation of art and craft was lowest.

As well as boys, the proportion of watching TV or videos of girls was greatest, account for 100%. The second popular activity of girls was electronic or computer games, exactly 60%. Roughly 58%, bike riding and art and craft had the same level of participation. Skateboarding or rollerblading was the activity had the percentage of Australian girl children’s participation.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The minimum word count is 150. How many words did you write? Your score will be lowered for not writing at least 150 words.

The bar chart gives information about (Not precise. What is plotted on the bar chart?) the percentage of 5 – 14 -year-old (incorrect punctuation) Australian children’s choice (wrong word order) of in leisure activities. (What are these activities? How many are there? What time frame applies to this data? What do the bars per activity compare? Your first paragraph is inadequate and incomplete. )

Model Paragraph #1:

The bar chart compares the degree of participation (by percentage) of Australian boys and girls, aged 5 to 14, in five different leisure activities. The data is from one year, 2010, and the activities are skateboarding, bicycling, watching TV, playing electronic games and arts and crafts.

Overall, the level of participating activities (wrong expression) of boys were higher than that of girls, especially, the percentage of joining in outdoor activities.

(Generally, boys participated at a higher level than girls.

Better: Boys participated at a higher level in three of the five activities, including the two that involved outdoor physical exercise: skateboarding and bike riding.

Write about two or three primary observations. Your "overall" paragraph is too short.

e.g.

#2.

All the children watched TV.

#3.

Skateboarding was the activity that had the lowest level of participation, less than 40% of boys or girls.

)

(You need to make it clear that in this paragraph, you are focusing on the boys.)

With 100%, (wrong expression) watching TV or videos was the most popular activity taken part in by boys. The second and third most popular activities were electronic or computer games and bike riding, ~~respectively~~ 81% and 77%, respectively. Approximately 37%, the figure (wrong word) ;for the participation of in art and craft was lowest.

(You need to make it clear that in this paragraph, you are focusing on the girls.)

As well as boys, the proportion of watching TV or videos of girls was greatest, account (wrong form) for 100%. The second most popular activity of girls was electronic or computer games, exactly 60%. Roughly 58%, bike riding and art and craft had the same level of participation. Skateboarding or rollerblading was the activity had the percentage of Australian girl children’s participation (ungrammatical)

Please help me Correct and mark my IELTS Writing Essay.

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